so much

so much has happened since i wrote last. Rich and I were together untill November 13th 2008. I found out he slept with Illsa, my roomate and close friend and lost it. that was a bad bad situation. Im still left missing him however, and I still have messages saved. Im seeing someone else now, Alex Palkovic. Sherilyn AND tressa have been with him, sherilyn has just made out with him, tressa slept with him for a while. I talked to tressa about it and she says shes okay with it because she didnt like him that much anyway. Whatever, its still awkward.

Im just about done with finals and should be sleeping right now. Ive been doing okay with the bulimia lately, today was bad though. I pretty much spent the entire day alone. I have issues with being alone. Im losing weight a little, but not too much. Im not on birth control anymore b/c I dont have health insurance and stil haveing sex. Hes not coming in me, but still, its risky and dumb. I jsut dont want to get fat again. Its crazy that i would rather take the risk of getting pregnant but i jsut dont like how i reacted to the BC.

I hooked up with this isaraeli kid Tamir the other day. it was bad. we didnt sleep together but just fooled around.

Ive been smoking alot of weed lately. Its been nice to get out of my head. i really want to do coke. i miss rich and i dont. what he did was unforgiveable...but hes changed my life so dramatic

pissed

im so fucking pissed right now.


not only am i sick and spent the day sleeping and peeing razor blades, but tongiht i played babysitter.
sherilyn got drunk today at her familys party came over my house and then continued drinking at her house. she bashed me the other day for being with rich but then flirted NON FUCKING STOP when we were with him.

we went to humpys to supposedly sing karyoke but that wasnt hooked up. so then sherilyn and rich played pool and sherilyns tits were everywhere.

she was soo sloopy drunk and after i told her to stop drinking she continued to do it. my favorite was when i went to the bathroom and left sher and rich outside and came back to them making out. soo fucked up.

sherilyn congratulated a meth addict for climbing three stairs. she walked with a cane and sher kept on calling her a "bad ass" and saying how awesome she was. i hate her sometimes.

then on the way home she wanted me to talk to guere and tell him we were having a threesome. i was like FUCK THAT.

rich wanted to go to albs and have me shmooose jay for some yay. i felt so bad the other night because i legitimately think hes a good guy. apart from the drug dealing and all.

fucked up shit.

harrasment

sooo i get to sherilyns and i smelll like smoke because i had just smoked and i get the third degree from not only sherilyn but colette AND chris. its bull shit and i dont want to come here anymore. then i get a talking to about rich from sherilyn, how hes so gross and not going anywhere and how the thought of us having sex makes her stomach turn. 

well fuck you. when i was like "okay, whatever." shes like "YOURE NOT LISTENING!" and i was like yesssss i am bitch i was listening to you talk about the guy that i am starting to like and completely bashing him. not to mention the fact that she had sex with him as well. 

im beginning to not like her more and more. especially colette and chris. fuck them. theyve done all sorts of shit and i know that i know that smoking is bad but whatever. im going to die when im going to die and they should just leave me to do it.

ill start hanging out with laura and danielle more often. even though danielle will chastise me even more.  whatever anything is better than her.

spiriling out of control

so yeah. im crazy. im doing coke, a 28 year old, cigarretes, a 22 year old, having 3 somes with my best friend,alcohol,throwing up, alli, and fucking loving it.

sometimes i feel like im really crazy. like when i made my mom cry the other day. she knows im not doing well. im not even skinny though. i do feel fat next to renn and rich with their skinny perfect bodies.

it was sad leaving his place tonight. his gf was coming home from pennsylvania. he was like " i dont want to be a jerk but..."

i was hanging out with him and sherilyn the other night and got pulled over. i had been drinking. i didnt get a ticket for dui thank god but i did get three tickets for going 43 in a 30, having my registration out of date, and for having something in the wrong place.

we called lauras mom to come pick us up. i bought her flowers the other day and got lectured by karen and wayne. that was nice. not.

renn leaves tomorrow. that sucks. hes kinda boring though. but hes pretty.

i havent seen geoff in sooo long. soo long. monty texted me and wanted to know what i was up to tonight. i had to work. i was supposed to go to RPI tonight to visit renn but went to riches instead and we had sex, then went to go get coke. his friend was really funny and works at fridays. wish i remembered his name.

crazy night, im out of control

so i work with this guy rich. hes 29 years old, and hot. and great great great at sex.

ive officially become a slut. or liberated from my morals. whatever you want to call it.

we met a little more than a week ago at work and have worked every day together flirting and touching nonstop.

we hung out on friday at his "dance party" which was with some of his old college roommates who are DJs and play crazy techno.

i had already drank with espo earlier that night and then started drinking beer at richs. then we did some coke. then we smoked weed. all througout the night, not in one linear time period. we danced. then we made out on the porch. we sortof tore each other apart.

then idk whyy but i drove to his place, completely intoxicated. we talked about our lives and how fucked up they are.

we got to his place and i dont even remember really what happened first or last but there was some kinky shit going on. like finger in my ass? it felt really good actually. ohh and more coke. and eating out. and lots of head. he doesnt stay hard really long, maybe it was the booze, or coke, or weed or a combination of all of them. and we smoked cigarrettes like they were water.

he was so good at eating me out though. my favorite favorite part was when he ate me out with coke on his tongue. it was out of this fucking world. and i actually orgasmed.
he came all over. in me, on my stomach, on my boobs.

and i had to work that morning at 8. we didnt even GET to his house untill 4 ish. we had sex for a LONG time. it was terrible crashing at work. TERRIBLE.

rich called tongiht and he was drunk. he didnt know he had to work at 9. hes a scumbag and if the sex wasnt SO FUCKING AWESOME i dont think i would talk to him anymore. and he has a gf. but i have like 15 boyfriends. so w/e.

geoff told me tongiht that he took vicodin and thats why he lasted so long. that makes sense because when we had the 3some he lasted 2 seconds. i told him he should start eating me out. that should be mandatory and i need to start demanding it more often.

im eating less, not even by choice. i cant eat at work. im smoking more too, and drinking more. im a mess, really. but im making money and going to school and juggling 5 boys who are unaware of one another. so thats a plus.

tierd

im so tired and i feel weak right now

idk whats going on wtih geoff.eric wantst o date me. im also sortof seeing kennty and talking to espo.

im smoking alot. i just smoked a pall mall and they dont have filters and it made me light headed.

its joshs bday today. tehy went to ihop. i wanted to see rich but all i got was a glance. hes alot older than me but he invited me to a party on friday. im excited. i want to be skinny so badly.

sherilyn yellyed at me for a long time today about smoking. it was annoying. i want to stop throwing up and eating. i can do pretty well when i work and dont have to be home. home is a trigger. my house is a trigger. i ate a lot of joshs birthday cheese cake this morning before i left for sherilyns to study.

i think i also bombed my test in nutrition because we didnt look at chapter 16. i knew there couldnt be only 2 chapters to study. blargg

i need to sleep.

im uncovered

they both found out. about the trip to plattsburg. i dont even want to say what went on there but the image of them together will always be on my mind. not to mention that i just went up there to make geoff jealous but i didnt want him to find out. monty told one of his friends what happened and that friend told geoff. when i told monty that i had a relationship with geoff for a while now he seemed very unfazed. which i actually felt really good about. he seemed to genuinly care about me and what happened...even though he came right out and said "i think you know by now that i only want to hook up wiht you." which i had known for a while but didnt want to admit to myself. i feel really good that its out in the open now. geoff sent me all these terrible text messages like "you make me want to vomit since you blah blah blah with monty last night"
And "lose my number K thanx." butt he decided to "forgive me" im sure hes hooked up with other girls ESPECIALLY since he found out. i went over wednesday night after work and we just talked and went and got pizza. then i went home. i really contemplated going to st rose to hang with kenny but i restrained my "red bottomosity" as georgia would say and went home.

eric has been especially up my asss lately and its really irratating. he wants to talk every day and blarggg i dont want to date him but i know that i know he wants to date me. i dont know how to get out of this one because i really just want to see geoff.

now thers no way i can double team them..monty and geoff that is. that was fun. but w/e theres always eric, kenny...espo. and rich from work. hes fun to play with and im sure hell be good at fucking. thats if he doesnt have an extremly small dick which its very possible he does. or hes married. because hes old. at LEAST 25-26. blarrrghgg. oh well hes fun to flirt with and im sure ill be in his pants by next week. wowww im a slut. hehehe whatever a guy would do the exact same thing. and im young and this is the hottest im ever going to be. im going to enjoy myself

so i havent written in a while...

i went to florida for a week with my family.

i gained 4 or 5 pounds. im at like 133. i feel soo huge.

i also started smokeing. and i b+p every single day, sometimes after every meal. i havent been doing well.

and i stopped taking my meds. and i cant fucking type! ahhgfasdlfj

universal and islands of adventures were fun! the beach was fun, and i didnt think i looked too bad in my bikini.

i hated my mom. alot. she was just suchhh a bitch sometimes and freaked out when she found out i was smoking.


i started smoking before i left but i bought packs while i was down there. i went through almost two full packs in a week. i neeeeeed to lose weight. need to. this weight is just wayyy tooo much.

idk what im going to do but i need to figure out something.
and i dont know if im employed at IHOP anymore.

i went there last night after we got into albany and my name wasnt on the schedual.

i hope im not fired, if i am, not my fault! sdjklasdkl i dooo need money though. really.

persuasion

" I can listen no longer in silence. i must speak to you by such means as are within my reach.you pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope. Tell me not that I am too late, that such precious feelings are gone for ever. I offer myself to you again with a heart even more your own, then when you almost broke it eight years and a half ago. Dare not say that man forgets sooner than women, that his love has an earlier death. I have loved none but you. Unjust i may have been, weak and resentful i have been, but never inconstant. You alone have brought me to Bath. For you alone i think and plan.-Have you not seen this? Can you fail to have understood my wishes?-I had not waited even these ten days, couls i have read your feelings, as i think you must have penetrated mine. I can hardly write. I am every instant hearing something which overpowers me. You sink your voice, when they would be lost on others.-Too good, too excellent creature! You do us justice indeed. You do believe that there is true attachment and constancy among men. Believe it to be most fervent, most undeviating in
F.W.
I must go, uncertain of my fate;but i shall return hither, or follow your party, as soon as possible. A word, a look will be enough to decide whether i enter your father's house this evening, or never.


ahhh how i wish someone would write something so ellegant for me. however, i have had love letters written to me, that i will post here so i can always read them when im down, which is often enough.

This message is pathetic, but try to understand.

Between You and Brian Wolf

Brian Wolf

3:09am Feb 29th

Have you moved on? Can you honestly say that you don't have an ounce of feeling for me? Can you say that when my name appears, whether in writing or speech, nothing happens inside of you? Because that's not true for me. Heather I feel like the biggest idiot for admitting this, and I have tried so hard the past six months to completely forget everything about you, but I can't. I have tried getting to know other girls, seeing what they are about, and when it comes down to it, no one has compared to what I see in you, and that is very disappointing When I saw that you commented on my picture, I was ecstatic. Besides you being a beautiful, awesome, perfect girl, I don't understand my special attraction to you. I thought that having nothing to do with you would work, but "absence makes the heart grow fonder" might be true. I understand if you never want to see me again, if you feel like I am a despicable person, just ignore this message like I have repressed the feelings I have for you, or tell me to grow up and deal. I go on break for a week this saturday, I would really like to meet with you, just to catch up, see where we are, though if you don't want to, I understand. I thought being completely separate would be the best, but it's not working for me. I hope everything is working out better for you than for me, please remember that it's funny how people change.

-Brian

Brian Wolf

11:13am Feb 29th

Wow, please don't read that and think my life is a mess, because it's not really that bad. And while most everything I said up there is true, please don't feel the need to answer every question. I just want to understand you and me. Does that make sense? Sorry for being awkward.

Heather Kaminsky

11:49pm Feb 29th

i will respond to you, however i dont have the time to be eloquent right now, but i will tomorrow.

Brian Wolf

1:54pm Mar 1st

Ok, thanks. Oh and maybe this is a bit weird right now, but I hope you have a great birthday.

Heather Kaminsky

3:10pm Mar 1st

i cant say i dont have an"ounce of feeling" for you brian, i will always have feelings for you. always. no matter who i date or see, there will always be brian. absence does make the heart grow fonder, especially because of what we shared...i wont lie, i was freaked out for a while....but i cant say im not guilty of giving in to desires myself....so who am i to judge? i know your on break. give me a call sometime. im not saying i want anything out of us...but seeing you would be really nice.
thanks for the happy birthday :)

Brian Wolf

10:54pm Mar 1st

Well that makes me feel a lot better just knowing I'm not completely alone on this. Again I apologize, but enough of that. I will be up in albany Tuesday, I am applying for a job at the post office up there, hopefully so I can live there year round. If you want to go out, get some coffee, walk the mall, just let me know what you scheduals like that day, or any day except thursday, and I'll give you a call tuesday. I'm going skiing with my mom thursday, just like we used too, should be a good time. So let me know on here if your free tuesday or whenever, and we'll see what's good. Hope number 19 was memorable.

hey

Between You and Ken B

Ken B

4:03pm Mar 3rd

hey dont take this the wrong way. but after seeing the picture with you in the blue (ya know the new one) i realized how pretty you are.LIKE I MENTIONED BEFORE! and ur eyes? woooo. and sorry for being a prick about my hat but its a hat thing u you'll understand later. but im thinking next time you see me or the next time your on Facebook approach me! and we will have to schedule a "play date" okay, gorgeous ciao ;

Between Geoffrey Phelan and You

Heather Kaminsky

11:36pm Feb 4th

go giants :)

Geoffrey Phelan

1:27pm Feb 6th

Report Message

18 wins. 1 GIANT loss. PERFECT SEASON : D ahahaha

Heather Kaminsky

3:05pm Feb 6th

hahahahhaha

Geoffrey Phelan

2:18pm Feb 7th

Report Message

where have you disappeared to???

lemme guess...you lost your phone/it died/you had to do something today for your parents/or/you feel like you're corrupting me...it has to be one of these : ?

I honestly don't care about not hearing from you; because the situation is tough...Monty being one of my best friends, me->not single : /...I've never done anything like we did the other night. And it's hard to think of myself as the proverbial asshole boyfriend. but i sorta became it the other night. Nevertheless, it was the best love i've ever had and i'm talking about with you alone. It didn't even phase me, that Sherilyn was right next to us lol... but please don't think of me as a cheater or an asshole because I really am not. I honestly have secretly liked you ever since sonshine. but, it was like "you were Monty's girl". but you're awesome and fun personality that I got to know that weekend made me tell Monty how much of a catch you are...i was so attracted to you when it was monty, you, and me all hanging out, sleighriding, telling stories, playing guitar...but you know how guys are...A guy can't go after the girl his friend likes or else that causes trouble with their friendship--> and then recently, seeing you at my house, how drop dead gorgeous you still were and how l was having so much fun with you hangin out. Honestly, you are irresistable to me. Jut like Cameron Diaz ; P (who was like my favorite hottest actress growing up..ever since i saw There's Something About Mary and my favorite Charlie's Angel). but anyway, the night Sherilyn was roofied i still had such a crush on you even before we got her to come out to the car with us. I never meant for that to happen with her obviously, but I'm really glad it did, now that I know we saved her from something terrible. seriously, you're a great girl and you deserve a great guy, i can say i'm a great guy only 95% of the time. that 5% was me cheating on Megan plus my other flaws. but i did it because I knew what you are worth {esp. being that you're a Christian girl}. So all in all, you deserve a guy who is great 99.9% of the time. In conclusion, I'm not saying that it was okay, but hey, at least I'm not married - (it could be worse)...K now i'm gonna call it a wrap. take care. God Bless. G'bye sweetheart ; *

P.S. tell Sherilyn I'm sorry for not going back to her so she could have an O. Guess i was too concentrated on pleasing you aahahaha

Heather Kaminsky

12:06pm Feb 8th

Please don't just delete this

Between You and Tim Gibbons

Tim Gibbons

7:55pm Dec 29th

I understand that I'm too late and please believe that I do not want to cause any trouble, I just feel that I need to tell you the truth. I'm crazy about you even after all these years, even though you probably never gave much thought to me. I realized a long time ago that we had a strictly friends relationship; recently, however, I thought we had both matured enough for the possibility to be opened up again. I had hoped you felt the same way towards me. I feel stupid saying all of this-through FaceBook no less-in an internet message, but I don't know how else to get a hold of you. It just that when I saw that you had gotten a boyfriend, I realized that I had never stopped caring about you. Again, I am not trying to cause trouble, I just needed to get this off my chest. I hope we can still talk and be friends.

Sincerely yours,
Tim

Heather Kaminsky

12:55pm Jan 13th

hey..so sorry i didnt get back to you sooner, i just didnt know what to say. I am really flattered that you think so fondly of me and im really glad that we are friends. unfortunately things didnt work out between my boyfriend and I and im not really looking for another relationship. thanks for letting me know..and of course we can still be friends! :)
Fondly,
Heather

this is my favorite letter of all time:

please dont delete this. its important.

Between You and Ben Zeigler

Ben Zeigler

12:26am Dec 31st

Ive known you for roughly a week and a half. From the moment i laid my eye(s) upon you, i knew i had found something wonderful, something enchanting, something i can't quite put my finger on or in. I was a fool to allow Nicholas Demetriades to step foot in front of me and be the big man and step up towards you because you are an attractive female. I feel as if our love was strewn apart and tossed away like a bouquet at a wedding ceremony, only to be caught by Nicholas and to be taken away to a land far away that we can only dream of. Remember when we used to sit in Noah's couch and dream of our future life together? I was too pussy to come forward and tell you that i loved you. I feel like an Ethiopian watching a donut roll down a hill when you and Nick are together. I feel like i am way out in the bleachers and you and nick are on the field playing the game whilst i watch. I cannot express how stupid i feel now that i am writing this in a facebook message, writing our whole life story ( of 1 week ) in a short message only to be seen by your eyes. I miss those eyes Heater. Couldn't you feel the love between us when we would read 50 year old GILFS together? I will now write out how my life changed since i met you.

DAY ONE. ( BAND PRACTICE FIRST DAY ) I walk up the stairs of the Bartfield residence and as i reach the top, an almost godly figure sat behind the keyboard playing away as Nick attempted to flirt with her. My heart was beating so fast by that moment, that my face began to become as red as the wine you gave to me last night to lower my inhibition. I was so nervous to be around a figure almost as heavenly as Jesus and Buddha themselves, that i forgot to say hello to her, until her angelic voice exclaimed " Thanks for saying hi to me Ben!" A fool i was! Complete dickweed, how could i forget to greet such a beautiful woman such as herself when i first laid my eyes upon her!! I turn my back and let out a pitiful " hi there ' as i walk down the steps to gather my musical gear. I made sure to carry the most stuff to impress her, but i began to realize that she didnt notice that, as she was utterly and completely entranced by Nicholas' melancholy guitar playing.

During the practice, her sweet soulful voice opened up a new dream in my mind, and it made my whole life feel peaceful and calm.


Day 2( Second Band Practice)

Heather seemed to show up to practice late this time, but i could not care how late she showed as long as i could just see her again. I memorized everything that she wrote in her facebook, including how she looked in all of her past pictures. Call me what you will, but when you meet someone of her stature you will also realize that you cannot keep away from them.
During this band practice, Heather and I seemed to share one thing in common. Our keyboardist is a creep. He seems like the type that would write girls long letters on facebook telling of a jouney throughout thier love lives.

Heather my love. I would finish this, but my mother calls me to my upstairs chamber to go to bed since it is 1 hour past my bed time



Written with complete love from the trenches in the deepest of my heart,


Benjamin Thomas Zeigler

And sometimes when you're on
You're really fucking on
And your friends they sing along
And they love you
But the lows are so extreme
That the good seems fucking cheap
And it teases you for weeks in its absence
But you'll fight and you'll make it through
You'll fake it if you have to
And you'll show up for work with a smile
And you'll be better
You'll be smarter
More grown up and a better daughter or son
And a real good friend
And you'll be awake
You'll be alert
You'll be positive though it hurts
And you'll laugh and embrace all of your friends
And you'll be a real good listener
You'll be honest
You'll be brave
You'll be handsome and you'll be beautiful
You'll be happy


im on a rilo kiley kick right now. i think im depressed. idk really. it could be a side effect of being so drunk and not really sleeping and eating but throwing up and talking to four guys last night but hanging out with none of them and then losing my phone.

ironically my other phone came today, the same "phone" but the one from ebay that supposedly works and doesnt randomly shut off. my dad was all sorts of angry at me today and while i tried to be the bigger person i did let it get to me and yelled at him. i cant be home and be well. i need help. i realize this., but i dont want t0 go yet. i need to do something

brand new

cause i can dish it out...but i cant take it.

Flip on a switch, and everything’s fine –
No more lips, no more tongue, no more ears, no more eyes
The naked blue angel, who peers through the blinds
Disappears in the gloom of the mirror-blue night

MELCHIOR
But there’s nowhere to hide from these bones, from my mind
It’s broken inside – I’m a man and a child
I’m at home with a ghost, who got left in the cold
Who knocks at my peace, with no keys to my soul

BOYS
And the whispers of fear, the chill up the spine
Will steal away too, with a flick of the light
The minute you do, with fingers so blind
You remove every but of the blue from your mind

MELCHIOR
But there’s nowhere to hide from the ghost in my mind
It’s cold in these bones – of a man and a child
And there’s no one who knows, and there’s nowhere to go
There’s no one to see who can see to my soul



i feel these lyrics. i feel full right now...and uncomfortable. i threw up only SOME of my dinner because i was too full...then went and ate strawberries and feel full again.

arggggggg tonight i want to go out soooo badly!! thank god that i have places to go! theres katiessss with shona and sher and bhamm and then theres geoffs and siena and RPI. soo many choices! and i dont have to drive because i have a flat! yaayaaaaa

i have been working out all week but ive eaten shitty every single day so im gaining weight..i can feel it in my pants. i dont want to be on depo anymore but while i am i atleast want to take advantage of it! ohh yeah and monty is going to be home this weekend.

school

soooo im at school. all by myself, as usual. sherilyn has her asphab today, which determines what she is able to do in the military. i bought a self cleanse yesterday for 30$ and took the first pill this morning. i hit the snooze for a FULL hour this morning and then talked to sherilyn for 10 min so i only had 10 min to get ready. sooo because of my rushing i didnt clean out my other purse(which i used to get bathing suit bottoms to the tops i have) that also has my prozac AND my smokeesss. i wanted to smoke one soo badly on the way back from lunch with my dad. the cleansing pills say that you have to take 1 in the morning on an empty stomach and wait at least a half an hour...so there goes breakfast most days. i think ill take my prozac with lunch. or soemthing like that.
i skipped my workout class today to go have lunch with my dad...idk why i was just tired it was grey...but yet im back at HVCC to go to my culteral diversity class....askjfd;alskjd i need to hear back from the study abroad guy and i have to tell all my teachers that i will be on vacation from the 7th till whenever.

ahh igot the job at IHOP and have training next week tues-saturday! 3-9. no eating then! im excited. i can then run real quick over to the gym and maybe go twice in one day. idk how that is going to wokr out with SLEEPING....which is IMPORTANT but w/e i need the money.

speaking of money i have been coming into alot of it lately, with my bday at easter giving me 55...my check for 50 from gma..my check from NP for 65 and then 1980 from PLatos closet where i sold some of my clothes. unfortunately i have been spendin glike its burning a hole in my pocket...which it is.
i spent 30 on cleansing shit 13 at the library for overages...15 on gas..7 on coffee for danny and i...150 this morning on coffee...1 this afternoon for coffee...then i stopped at the irish place and bought a keychain for 350 of odonehue for my gma and mom. like i said i NEED a job. and i need to lose weight

i had my doctors app. and since ive been bleeding from this depo for TWO WEEKS shes going to put me on a pill. i reccomended yasmin because it doesnt cause weight gain and she said something about how i need to GAIN weight/. i was like YEAH RIGHT. i wanted to punch her in the face. i literally said uhhh nooo more like the opp...and then held my tougue. she totally doesnt understand shes some oriental person who doesnt specialize in eating disorders and doesnt claim to. shes only an attending...not even a real doctor and i dont think she would mind not having me on her hands. its not like she really gets time to see me anyway. our new insurance SUCKS. i paid 65 dollars for my prozac and 25 for every doctors appointment. yeah right theyll have good coverage for an eating disorder clinic or psychiatrist that speciallizes. i know it iwll still cost my parents lots of money and balraskhfdkajshdfjk.

i just want to get this under control. im going to go look up what cigna covers. till next time/.

exausted, doctors tomorrow

i woke up tired today with diarrhea...but i didnt drink any lax tea last night and didnt have the usual terrible cramps that accompany the tea. my brother stayed home from school because he had diarrhea as well so i think it was something we both got.

i vomited several times today but also exercised for 20 min on the stairmaster and 25 min on the elliptical. im going to go to the gym after my doctors appointment tomorrow or before if i wake up for it.

maybe ive been tired all day because i took my insomniac medicine last night. i woke up several times during the night sweating like CRAZY and really uncomfortable. my days and binge/purge cycles all blend into one another.

i desperately want to stop this terrible behavior and hope my doctors appointment tomorrow gets me on some new meds or something. i hope to tell her about how concerta helps and hopes she doesnt get mad but puts me on something. i also need to talk to my mom about going to see a therapist or something.

i also really want to be anorexic but i love eating. and i really do want to be healthy skinny. but skinny none the less. i just want more control over what i eat. i want to be able to say NO to the cake and just not eat it at all. not eat 1 piece then think wow im fat ill eat the whole thing and throw it up. i just get in these moods and i dont think about binging...i just do. and then i feel sooo fat and gross and full. i HATE feeling full. hate it.

visiting grandma, yesterday was bad.

Im in Cobleskill right now, visiting my great grandma who has congestive heart failure. shes sleeping right now so were in the kitchen room, my brothers are playing battleship and my mom is painting her nails.

yesterday i was at shers alll day long and ate the shittyest shit ever. i didnt really get to purge untill WAYYY later several times and felt soo fat. we made cupcakes and colored eggs and i ate so much frosting....three cupcakes plain...countless m&ms..everyone noticed how much shit i ate. at the end of the night when i had thrown up the second time they were offering me frosting and saying "hey you ate soo much earlier" then they were making fun of my cupcakes and my eggs...i couldnt do anything right...like usual. colette was so fucking annoying she wanted me to drive my car to go visit jesse...bethanys boyfriend...to get a free latte. i said i didnt have enough gas...sherilyn REFUSED to go or take her car...beth didnt have a car and i did not have enough gas. she didnt offer to buy me gas, refused to let beth drive her car and called me cheap and tryed to guilt me into going. she can be such a bitch. i cant even describe it well because jimmy neutron is on the TV and i cant think while inadvertantly listening to it.

i really dont want to watchbut anyone who knows me knows that i get hopelessly attached to the television whenever it is on regardless of what is on. i blame it on my mother...who that also happens to. all my friends make fun of me because of that as well.

i had a long talk with monty about our rant the other night. i hung up on him MULTIPLE times and said something like "fuck you im going to fuck geoff" hahahaha. blarg. but what he and i both remembered is that i said " i hate feeling like im last on your list" he said that he never felt like i was that to him but i know that since we had sex he sees me in a different way. i told him that hes always been first on my list...thats a lie as well but lately he has and i hate it. i told him he ruined brand new for me. i could feel him soften on the other side of the phone and i could feel the connection i wish we still had. i think back to the times of camp...of six flags. we were so physical then but there was this sense of longing....maybe it was always just physical to him but at sonshine where i cried and said i couldnt be with him it hurt so badly and i still remember that. ive cried over brian wolfe and monty. both of them gave me this look like they wanted to see my soul and monty did that the other night when he was blasted. im not making much sense right now but who needs grammer right? no one fucking reads this so this only serves to be an aid to my failing memory. i feel like if i think about the sentence structure or what im going to type beofre i do then it becomes contrived and i begin to think about what others would think if they read it.

i always do that, in all the diaries ive ever had. i always sensor what actually happened or how i actually felt, either because i honestly cant capture it well or because im afraid my mom will read it. im still scarred by that


Prozac Nation was annoying. she whined and i was jealous wehn she talked about how skinny she got. i wished i could get skinny when im depressed. now im reading this book on getting over eating disorders and its talking about how prozac is the only drug that is FDA approved to treat bulimia. i cant help but wish i was anorexic even though i know that i know that i know that you live in hell. i really just want to be happy, but i dont feel happy when i think im fat, which is almost all the time. i feel so accomplished when i "forget to eat" but that does not happen often only when im at school or not at home. i do better when im with tressa or out with sherry or out anywhere. at home is the worst.

my whole family is in this room and my dad is standing behind me and it makes me angry.
he was such a dick in the car he wouldnt let me listen to my ipod and he was unreasonably mad...readng this book on loving your family or some stupid self help book. i see how incredibly childish and lost he is and how power-hungry and in need of control he is. again with the run on sentences...this is more of a free though piece. thank god he left the room.


i prefer not to think of him or how i feel about him. i prefer to ifnore my feelings for him and piss him off because i know that i can. most of the things i do actually i dont realize im pissing him off but then he asks me why im doing this "horribly annoying thing" and i piss him off by saying " im doing it JUST to annoy you" hahaha and he goes " I KNOW YOU ARE" and then i say something like "yes dad, its always about you, your actually the only thing i think about///pissing you off is high on my priorities."

the first thing i do usually isnt just to piss him off...but the subsequent actions are. its for all the times hes had control over me and ive sat crying just wanting some sort of compromise. its so hard to have his moods all over the fucking place and see him with my dying grandma...praying and praising god that she is doing better. not that this is ANYTHING new but i hate the hypocrisy. ive always hated it. its probably why i feel like i have dual sides of me...why i tend to see things in black and white. susan tried to get me out of thinking that way. i felt like she actually cared about me but then i chose to leave NP. what can she do? she has other patients. she can onlywork with willing patients.

i need to tell my doctor that the prozac is not controlling my binging urges as well as it was before. i think i jsut need to be on a higher dose..which sucks because i dont want to be on drugs at all. but when i have enough prozac..i can control myself. i could never join the air force reserves because ive been on psycotropic drugs for a certain amount of time. OHHH welllll. its proably the biggest secret ive kept from my friends...im sure sherilyn knows because of the amount of times shes been through my bag but we dont talk about it and she pretends to not know. she saw in my file when i got the depo in my ass that ihad been prescrivbed prozac whne i was at NP. she asked about it and i was like "yeah i was on it"/

idk why im ashamed to be taking happy pills. some people need it and i do. it helps me cope with life. i like the idea of taking medicine for an eating disorder more than taking medicine for depression alone. but im sure my depression is part of the reason i have an eating disorder so w/e. its as bad as ever i threw up THIS morning.

the reason im writing so much is that i took a concerta with my prozac this morning to control my appetite. i wonder what dr tun would say if i told her i took it and i really feel like it helps. my father has a prescription for adderall and when i take his its good for controlling my appetite. however, i was reading that adderall can suddnly cause a great weight GAIN because it alters the metabolism so it doesnt functiion at a high rate by itself.

concerta really helps me control my cravings for FOOOD ALL THE TIME. yesterday i wauncontrollable. i was an unrelenting fire..consuming everything placed infront of me..i had three pieces of pizza after i told myself i wasnt going to eat again that day. i fuck up my body wehn i drink that laxative tea like i did last night but its the only way i feel clean again.

dr. asshole psychiatrist at NP told me to look up cyclothymia which is depression with gradual "up" feelings created by environmental good things but a general feeling of depression most of the time. he thought i might have that. my dad has bipolar so idk about that. i dont really think i fit in the categoryy of that...but then again im really up right now..but i think its because of the concerta. i feel like if i stop writing ill never get it all out..ill forget to say something vital that ill need to remember later or blahdeblah blahh.

there watching waynes world. i wanted ot go to the gym today but my dad informed me that we were coming here, to cobleskill right before i left. so i went anyhway,,,,but only went tanning. i like tanning and i like my skin when its tan and i like the relaxing feeling i get when i tan. i hate the burning towards the end but i like listening to my ipod.
i hate not haveinng control over what i eat or feeling a strong desire to eat everything sugary. its not good for me.askjflkjsafd i need to go to the doctor.

and IM STILL BLEEDING OUT OF MY VAGINA!!! ahahsdfkajshdf soo mad.


i talked to eric last night and geoff as well. i like them both well enough but ive never really loved anyone. there just nice to have around and feel like im close to. eric oculd be cool but what if the same thing happens if we have sex> idk i dont have to worry about that because hes in michigan and wont be home till way later.

i have my ihop training /paper filling out shit on tuesday and my phone interview with chris copeland. alright ikm tired out


i also talked to

Tressa, Shona, Life!

soo today was a good day, despite my constant shortcomings.

i took a prozac and concerta that danny gave me and felt better and less bingy today. yesturday was TERRIBLE. really bad. i hadnt had my prozac in like 3 days and was really feeling it. 40 mg isnt enough these days, i over come the urge NOT to binge and do it anyway. last night tressa called at like 10 40 and was like COME OVER so i did! it was really nice we ate(yuck) which i wasnt too happy about but i didnt throw up and then we pretty much went to bed.

i slept till 10 today and we left around 12 to go down to the creperie where we met up with sho and her friend sara. We got expensive coffees at ambition and then went to the creperie. sho and sara went back to school. i got a crepe with chicken, artichoke hearts, red sauce and other things in it...it was good but not THAT good..i ate it anyway becfauswe i was paying for it. ive got to stop doing that. eating that is. anyywayy then we went to go visit suzi who was looking thin...she says shes been smoking alot and shes always been tiny so w/e. bitch. haha.

i know our relationship isnt the same anymore and shes not my 'best friend' but its still so nice to see her and hang out with her. i feel healthy when im around tressa and shona. today we went to the mall after we picked sho up from school and saw mr Z and some other highschoolers. i didnt steal anything even though i tried on bathingsuits at macys (it would have been so easy and i need the bottoms to a top i got there) and i tried on the biofit at victorias secret and could have easily stolen that too. but i didnt. we got candy at kmart and i binged on that on my way home from tressas. and threw up my dinner from ambition.

WELL im off to the gym with my mom...till next time!

ehhhh

my dad just came in my room and was like "youre mom told me youre really stuggling with your bulimia." shes right. hes right. i just dont want to do anything about it. day 2 without any medication. im still constipated. mentally i feel fine, physically i feel bloated and fat. like usual. my throat hurts my room is a MESS. like danielle hurricane mess. i didnt see monty today..i called him and actually told him i had my period which makes it sound like i actually wanted to see him and that im putting the ball back in his court. he is an ass....he was like "maybe youll be better by the end of the week." hes such a jerk. blarg i dont even want to worry about this i think i want to have sex with him again but idk. idkidkdidkd im tired. so tired and i wish a fairy would come and clean my room and make it spotless. i did TErrIbly TODAY and yesturday with eating and throwing up, but what else is new. ive been "bad" for a while. need meds and counselingggg blahh blahh blahh. cant i just get skinny please? stop binging? concerta works till late at night and then i get really bad cravings. goodnught/. i wish geoff would call. or monty. assholes.

monty=SLOPPY

so last night was st patricks day...or night. whatever. sherilyn laura joey and i decided we were going to go out to celebrate...my night started with seeing matt hackett outside BRU..he looked like someone had punched him in the face or he hadnt slept in weeks. his eyes were also really red and he looked BLAZED. he said something about me calling him when i got back to chubbys and i was like NOOO. so then we tried to go to chubbys butttt they were "closed". so then we tried to go to sadies but they wouldnt take fakes. then we ended up going to michaels and monty came over...already drunk as shit at 12. i hadnt even had one drink and he was ALL FUCKING over me...making out with me at the bar...i was like WOAHHH. sherilyn was even like this morning..."yeah hes usually more..i hate to say it...SUAVE...than that." he was sooo unattractive and all over me in a bad way. he was trying to put his hands down my pants on the dance floor and telling me how he stayed up at night thinking  of me. he wants me to come over today but I HAVE MY PERIODDDD hahahahaha even though i have depo its serious period blood. hahahaha idk why monty has the worst timing ever but he was fucking nasty. we'll see how today goes. ironically hes calling me right now.

i told him he was sloppy drunk last night and hes like "no i wasnt! how so?" 

i was like " i cant come over i got called into training at IHOP and im sleeping" he wants me to call when i "wake up". talking to him when hes normal makes me like him.

geofff was sooo cute last night i kept on calling him for "sherilyn" even though she met this kid named Troy...he ended up going back to lauras dorm room after laura and joey tried to have sex in the playground but realized ITS FUCKING STILL WINTER!! hahaha that gives an insight into how drunk laura was. but back to geoff. 

he called me when i was standing RIGHT next to monty in the chinese food place and i answered and ran outside to meet him. he came running up to me and gave me a big hug and a kiss and then was like "OH wheres monty?" hahaha it was so funny. so then we walked back to the chinese place...monty was oblivious....and then we left AGAIN to go make out around the corner. 

funniest part of my night:

we were making out on this stoop where geoff wanted to take me for "dinner" but it was 1 in the morning. i was showing him how gross monty was by sticking his hand down my pants in the bar and this cop in his car is RIGHT BEHIND US and makes this BLEEEEEP sound like "DONT DO THAT" we thought at first it wasnt for us but there was NO ONE else on the street and he was blatently watching us i felt like SUCH an idiot. we immediately started walking the other way histerically  laughing and like a arms lenghth away from each other. it was sooo funny. then of course monty had FINALLY gotten his food and they were ready to go...geoff gives me a  nice hug and monty picks me up by the waist and hangs me over his shoulder. like he did mannnyy times that night..he held me like a baby several times and also swung me around in a circle

geoff was like WOAHHH what are you doing youll drop her! mammoth penis or not....geoff won fair and square last night monty was gross.

a quote by joey sums up my night referring to monty :"that kid sucked my dick before he came in here to make out with you." 

exactly. NEXT!

AHHRGG

why am i so dumb?

i just took my last prozac and then ate strawberries with whipped cream and threw it up. i noticed this NASTY taste in my mouth and looked down and there was the open pill with stuff leaking out im soo dumb. im in nyc and have no way to get more and arhhggg i got my period even though im on depo?!?! wtf? i want to go shopping somewhere new but idk where...danny wants to go around hempstead which is WACK. all black people clothes and nasty shit. idk what to do. maybe ill get something with walnuts. that has omega threes that do sortof the same thing. one day wont matter. except that they dont have my insurance info..so ill have to have my mom get on that today. my stomach hurts i want to shit blargg i think i need to go to rehab and i dont have my project done for cultural diversity but all the shit is at home. idk i want to go home and sleep in my bed and see my mommy.

i really want ass cream

but i just finished dannys salad, my BEEF FUCKING I ATE BEEF with rice and beans and my salad and a strawberry shortcake. soo much food. and i want icecream so i can throw itup. ridiculous. i weighed myself before i got in the shower and i weighed 126. that was exciting. especially with the shit i ate today.
i like writing to get out the things i really feel i cant tell anyone. Its a good release. i want to lose more weight but feeling so hungry today was terrible. TERRIBLE! maybe ill just squirt some whippen cream into my mouth ;) i think ill do that. i want ass cream! noo i want a good book. i need to sleep. sleeeeeep. but danny is "doing her homework." she goes from being completely normal/nice to being a BIG BITCH. seriously its annoying. i cant even go into detail some of the things she did today that pissed me off. ill just blame it on the fact that we havent slept, we didnt get on ANTM...those girls were skeletons and much prettier/taller than me...i dont want to be a model..as fun as it would be. i want to have skinny arms. thats all! it would make my boobs look bigger. must post pictures soon.

omgANTMRAININGSDFLKJJL:SF

soo much has happened since ive last slept i dont know if i can relay it all.
i got up at 830 to go to school to take my test early, learned that my great grandma had a heart attack and could die...i was conflicted because i already mad eplans with danny and didnt want to leave her. i got the A ok that she wasnt that bad and talked ot her on the phone on my way down. we didnt get a hold of dannys cousin maddy at all..we got to her house alright only because a lady coming in let us into the bulding and her friend michelle let us into the apartment. we waited there for an hour or two after really worrying about getting there on time. i then rushed to pack for ANTM because i was trying to send my teacher my midterm. by the way i got a 90 on my nutrition test on VITAMINS AND MINERALS HARD SHIT. so thennn we went to a japanese party and had issues on what to eat..i ended up throwing up but not that much. then we went to go sit at antm at 2 am. we got in line and then because the stupid fucking guy made the line wrap around without borders people who got there LATER got to go in earllier because they were closer to the entrance and pushed their way in. while we were outside it started raining and i went to duane reade to print out pictures after danny and i slept on the groud of NYC like bums for a couple of hours. these assholes were near us and kept making BLATANT fun of us. assholes. anyyyway i was in duane reade and this girl aerial told me she would pay me 100$ to take pictures of her so i did and she gave me 100$. we went to macdonalds and i took 2 face shots, two body shots and two bathing suit shots. it was soo easy and it will pay for my train ticket back to albannyyyyyy. i need to go back before danny because i have an open interview at IHOP on monday from 10-3. im excited...i really need a job. anyway at the audition there was so much fucking waiting and wehn we went in there it was less than a second you said your name,age,height and weight, then passed the mike on. after 12 hours of waiting they had only seen the first 100 girls. it was terrible. we waited on a spiral staircase i was sooo hungry but the second i ate some granola my stomach was uneasily full. it was terrible and i wanted to leave. danny was one of the 5 girls to make the first cut and i wasnt. i really wasnt surprised. im fat and short compared to those holocaust rubber bean stalks and i havent slept in so many hours and i didnt get to eat and danny was being a huge huge bitch but i need to get this out beofre i forget. maddy made a good dinner and im so excited to eat it. i got a coffee and a scone today because i didnt care about getting fat. im going to eat beef. yuck. hope it tastes good.!

Sex is a good way to procrastinate.

procrastinating. had sex with geoff. it was hot, long and all i could think about was my stomach and when he was going to come. his penis is thin...it was best when i clenched my legs behind his back. he was all proud of himself for "going that long"///i wont lie, it is really hot, hes really hot, i definitely enjoy myself or i wouldnt be doing it but its just not amazing. i told him at the end that i wanted to do it standing up next time. hehe. that should be good. need to lose a little more weight for that. okay...a lot more. buuuuttt im going to be down in the city and blah de blah..seeing modeling agencies. idk why but i ate a POPTART and a chocolate piece today. and didnt throw up.
i threw up my berry/skim milk smoothie this morning because i had too much and it would have been pretty easy to just drink some water and throw up that chocolate buttt i didnt. maybe its those endorphins.

ahhhhh i have a big paper due tomorrow and im really procrastinating. seriously. bad. im gonna do it right now. after i go and (hopefully) take a fat shit. ive been drinking "slimming tea" and i took a diuretic today and had coffee and finished my detox bottle i got from target that was in the car and ive felt allll gassy but havent been able to go. fuckk i just want to be as thin as i can for tomorrow!! GOSH I HAVE TO PACKKK AND GET READY!

[edit] i just read all forty sources. go me. i now have no faith in the reporting world. so many discrepancies in the details. yes, they can get the facts right, but one "factual" article to another...they all paint the charecters as either victims of race, or victims of a henous crime and blahhhdeblahhh. i just want this to be over. i just ate chicken with veggies and im full because i went back for seconds. get a grip!

link to a good page;thinspo!

Thinner: so i ran out of diet pills

love her. great thinspo. im trying out for ANTM in 2 days. and i am bloated and having breakthrough bleeding. im wet from the shower and supposed to be fucking geoff right now. had an interesting convo with him. good cardio. terrible me

abstinence

from men. unless ihave sex with matt hackett today. idk if that is gonna happen/. probably not.

i took concerta today and am not hungry. my salad smelled of vomit because i made it yesterday with feta cheese. and frozen fruit. which melted. and it smelled gross. but i still wanted to eat it because of the vitamins. as gay as that sounds.

im cold. and in the library. i have to do a midterm and i dont want to do it. at all. its bullshit.

i have cramps. period or i ate something really shitty and i need to shit cramps. i hate my body.

I HATE my teacher. HATE him. i started finding my 40 sources at 300. its now 537 and i havent taken a break or daudled...except if you count writing in here. he is a complete douche. the other kids in the class will NOT do this much work.

blarggg

i ate alot today. at least i went to the gym but stilll. i feel fat. and im sunburned. and i want skinny arms. i put up pictures of models from W on my other wall. it looks pretty cool. i want to have sex with geoff.

hung out with eric on saturday after getting my hair done. i didnt do anything friday...i went to bed at 930 haha. i got up early, went to the gym, got my hair done and went to erics sisters concert. then we went ice skating which was really fun. i feel like i can be myself around him. then i went directly to my aunts house where i proceded to binge like i had been left to starve in the woods for 3 months.

they have a candy bin there. and LOTS of little kid snacks. i did like 3 or 4 times. and then i threw up today too...but i wouldnt say i binged. not by normal people standards.

i love supermodels.nl i have to stop eating so goddamn much. danny gave me concerta. hopefully that will help me not eat! neeeed to get skinny arms. and stomach and i want my thighs to go IN!

im being productive!!

im finally getting scotland shit done.
i really want to go to St. Andrews but unfortunately they have nothing on health sciences. sooo im applying to the greennock program at James Watt University. Its closer to glasgow and edinburgh. i asked my psych teacher and im going to ask my nutrition teacher for a reccomendation. sexsexsex work out. i took my meds today and i feel stable, not sick and productive. im sure its all in my head but isnt that the point?

ehhh idk. i also printed out the apps for antm. i need to drop my history 9am class. ill still be taking 15 credits but dropping this one will be great great great. he is an idiot. maybe ill take history of scotland class in SCOTLANDDDDD yayyyyy
im also going to ask my aunt maggie for a reccomendation because it said that you could have one personal reccomendation. blarggg im excited!

i have to talk to the study abroad people adn work that out with financial aid and New Paltz and i need my HS transcripts gosh its going to be a hassle but W/E im going to scotland!

and sherilyn and laura want to join the air force reserves. i looked it up yesturday and it seemed attractive for a minuite....but then i realized how I DONT WANT TO BE INVOLVED WITH THE MILITARY> maybe if i need money or soemthing when i hear how sher liked it. but i think its CRAZY. tressa will be in england and ill be in scotland and im sure ill go traveling and wonderrrrfuflallldalfdfkj stuffff.

oh and ps im applying to go to scotland. i need to get on it becuase the date for applying is march 15th. it will suck to have to get reccomendations by then. especially because my teachers dont really know me yet.

gym,scotland,pills,throwing up.

i just got back from the gym with dani. i like going with her, i like hanging out with her. shes much more positive than SOME people. ive been a little sick today...and not only with a head cold. actually very sick today...im bloated because i threw up so much. idk what started it but today was NOT a good day. ill be better tomorrow.
i didnt take my meds but i dont want to believe i NEED them. obviously they are not working as they should...which means i need MORE not less. i just dont like admitting there is something wrong with my head. but then again im hurting my body trying to convince myself there is not something wrong with me, which there is.

i wonder what aura i project, the "feeling" people get when they meet me. i think i intrigue guys...i can tell when one is attractedto me and many guys are. its nice. its hard for me to make girl friends. i dont really care though i have sherry laura tressa shona and dani. plenty.
i always feel happier coming from the gym. but sore, and not skinnier. possibly because ive EATEN MY BODY WEIGHT IN FOOD TODAY!

and im becoming more neurotic about stealing. i wanted to sooo bad today and i was really ill. headache...fever..all that shit. and i wanted to go drive my car and steal. whoever came up with the term retail therepy is right. except in my case its kleptomaina. or hypochondriac-ism.

im nervous about the ANTM auditions. im going to be fat and short and i know that should "motivate" me but im healthiest when im NOT stressed and not pressured to be skinny. then i just AM skinny. that doesnt happen alot. i miss shitting.

i got a detox kit from target. hopefully ill be shitting logs soon. my lips are really dry and i cant breath. hope i dont wake up with leather mouth again.

im a little crazy...alright make that alot crazy. geoff called last night while i was on my date with eric. i almost wrote monty. yeah hhh right. eric says he likes my crazyness...if only he knew. he is really sweet. like a teddy bear. i almost wish he was here to cuddle with. maybe ill get together with him tomorrow. maybe ill shit bricks tomorrow. maybe pigs with fly and ill finally be 120 pounds with bcups and arched feet and perfect skin and bluer eyes and blonder hair and STRAIGHT fucking hair and it will grow and i will be beautiful and HAPPY and i wont be bulimic or steal or lie or be messy or fat. or fart. or pickmynose.

im quite the attractive one.

WHO WHAT WHEN WHERE WHY

WHY do i go out on a perfectly normal date and come home thinking of him. i sound like a five year old. or worse. an obsessed 7th grader. i had large amounts of pride because i DIDNT do this like other girls. maybe im going through a 7th grade phase.

i hope this song starts a craze.
the kind of song that ignites the airwaves.
the kind of song that makes people glad
to be where they are,
with whoever they're there with.
this is war.
every line is about,
who i don't wanna write about anymore.
hope you come down with something
they can't diagnose, don't have the cure for.
holding on to your grudge.
oh its so hard to have someone to love.
and keeping quiet is hard.
cuz you cant keep a secret
if it never was a secret to start.
at least pretend you didn't wanna get caught..

my thoughts exactly. I talked to him right before i went on my date with eric. im almost embarrased to write this. he IMed me..i told him i was going on a date and he didnt say anything untill i asked him what he was doing. maybe he cares? i want to think he cares. i know he does somewhere. but doesnt want me to know. or he doesnt give a fuck and just wants to fuck me. im fucking his best friend. alright not his best friend but friend none the less.

i dont think he knows. he acted like he didnt know if geoff had had sex before. i acted like i was asking for sherilyn. wellll they are the only two guys ive had unprotected sex with voluntarily.....

speaking of my DATE tonight he was soo cute. we laughed and genuinly had a good time. but i dont want him as my boyfriend. idk why. he opens doors for me, picks me up, genuinely cares for me...send me ROSES and a teddy bear for valentines day....hes funny, a christian.....yet he tried to have sex with me when i was still a virgin....he would have been my first. i was an early 15.

i thought i was over him. i was fine with geoff.....it was good the other night..hes also is really nice and funny and a monty substitute. i really just want to run to plattsburg and sleep with him and have him run off in the morning. why do i want to be mistreated by an ugly short hairy huge penised monty? WHY>! becuase hes the one guy i feel i really dont have but he wanted me so bad and now that he had me he doesnt want me and i want him i hate this shit im never liking anyone ever again.,

im going to end up with someone like eric...if im lucky. he told me he has a journal tongiht. thats pretty gay. wonder if im in there. i wonder if monty ever puts lyrics in his profile about me, am i just another eric? its really possible. probable.

had really good sex with geoff last night....almost had sex with kenny crosby.

first sher and laura took me to the bankok bistro for some birthday dinner and drinks...alll free!! wonderful. love lauras friend will. thennn we went to sherrys house for ryans parrttyy

i had a lot of shit. pizza cake and asscream and i threw it up and lied to sherilyn about it. oooops.

then we went to st rose. got high. made out with kenny, sherilyn convinced me to go to geoffs and hang out with him...that was a good idea. it was really good, remarkably better than at sherilyns hosue. probably the alcohol.



he told me that monty sortof knows and implied that he wouldnt care anyway. i found this page that was a diary of geoffs saying things like" i shouldnt be with meg right now, i have too much to worry about, i need to finish my education so i can support my family blah de blah blah. idk how i feel about dating him. i really dont think he would, but what if? what if monty found out?

geoff also told me that he never had sex with megan...since she has been his gf for what....4 years?!?!?! who has he had sex with? was i his first? sherilyn and i were definitely up there. it would explain why he was so incredibly shitty. i dont think he came...which was weird again. makes me feel unattractivce. it was probably the alcohol but he does go flaccid alot. i came though, which was really nice. i was convulsing allllll over him and he was like "yeahhh heather come on meeee " hahhahahaha im laughing at it now but sherilyn said she heard us say some of the most RIDICULOUS shit when she was standing outside.....hasfdkjhaskdfh i do remember saying someof them even if i wont admit it to her.

she can be really spitefulll and mean some times. then again i can be irratating, selfish and just as vindictive as her. ohh well. were destined to be together.


today is my 19th birthday. i probably should have said that at the beginning...but alas this is how my brain works.

i started off my birthday getting high...then making out...then gettting drunk...then fucking at 430 in the morning. geoff had to leave this morning to go work with jon because his dad paid a part of the rent that they couldnt afford because someone moved out. he said we could stay there but i didnt want to stay much longer, especially because i was supposed to go to NYC!!!!

i lost my bank card. that suckkkkkksssss
but i signed up for netflix and bought a bag at target with my moms money. retail therepy always works :)


hopefully ill get to have more sex tonihgt...even though i have a terrible pimple in the middle of my face and broken blood vessles over my eyes. im really a sight in the morning. wonder why geoff kissed me?

songs and shlongs

hehe maybe no shlongs...to my dismay.

geoff doesnt want to date me because of monty. not like i want to date him but it would still be nice for him to want to date me. i feel fat, i didnt take my meds today and ate a whole bunch and threw up and only worked out for 17:38. i almost wish i was addicted to something else, like coke. at least then i would be skinny.

that was terrible..but whatever. i was just reading this drug book at barnes and noble..and i would say that im an addict. i use sugary foods to boost my seretonin level much the same way that an alcoholic or an addict does. except you cant quit eating food. well, i could try, but i would fail and end up fatter. many people do. but crash diets odntaskdfjlkjsdf if i could stop "cold turkey" i would.

why im excusing myself for this discusting behavior i dont know. i dont think i really want to stop. what i really want is to be skinny and ana. im trying to hypnotize myself into losing weight....yes ive gone a little into the deep end of the pool. but who doesnt know that?

soo to itunes...i was listening to songs on random and wrote down some of my fav. lyrics and what they remind me of.....caio till next time!

bones sinking like stones
all that we fought for
homes, places we’ve grown
all of us are done for.
and we live in a beautiful world,
yeah we do yeah we do.

Coldplay –Don’t panic

Ana

Well sad, small, sure and porcelain
You're skin and bones, I'm a nervous wreck
Well I've got a bad feeling about this (when it comes to this)
I've got a bad feeling about this

Taking Back Sunday-A decade under the influence

Ana

We must blend into the choir, sing as static with the whole,
We must memorize nine numbers and deny we have a soul,
And to this endless race for property and privilege to be won
We must run, we must run, we must run.

Bright Eyes-At the bottom of everything

Ana(running)

They’re tryin to make me go to rehab
I said no, no, no
Yes I been black, but when I come back
You wont know, know, know.

Amy Winehouse-Rehab

Ana

The world I love
The tears I drop
To be part of
The wave can't stop
Ever wonder if it's all for you
The world I love
The trains I hop
To be part of
The wave can't stop
Come and tell me when it's time to

Sweetheart is bleeding in the snowcone
So smart she's leading me to ozone
Music the great communicator
Use two sticks to make it in the nature
I'll get you into penetration
The gender of a generation
The birth of every other nation
Worth your weight the gold of meditation
This chapter's going to be a close one
Smoke rings I know your going to blow one
All on a spaceship persevering
Use my hands for everything but steering
Can't stop the spirits when they need you
Mop tops are happy when they feed you
J. Butterfly is in the treetop
Birds that blow the meaning into bebop

Red Hot Chilli Peppers- Can’t Stop

i cant stop.

There were days when a refrain
Would brighten our corner of Hickory Lane
When you would sing that song for me
The only one you know
But I know now, not at the start,
We're going to pieces, we're falling apart
So won't you sing that song for me
just like your favorite singer?

Ramona-guster

Monty

remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange
You said everything changed
You felt as if you'd just woke up
And you said,
This is the first day of my life,
Glad I didn't die before I met you
But now I don't care I could go anywhere with you
And I'd probably be happy.

Bright eyes- first day of my life

Monty

As your spine starts to shine
You shiver at your soul
A fist so clear and climbing
Punches a hole
In the sky
So you can see
For yourself
If you don't believe me

Wilco-less than you think

Ana

Sit down for supper, won't you dine with me
Or can't you handle seeing all I see
I've grown to colorblind to cease my bitching
And I've grown to love the pain

Say anything- colorblind

Ana

I'm nice to you, I could make it through
That you're already somebody's baby
I could make you smile if you stayed a while
But how long will you stay with me baby

Elliot smith –twilight

Geoff

i have a mandolin
i play it all night long
it makes we want to kill myself

-built to spill- 100,000 fireflies

Haha Stephan from NP

I could never love again so much as I love you
Where you end where I begin is like a river going through
Take my eyes, take my heart cuz I need them no more
If never again they fall upon the one I so adore

Dave Matthews Band-Grace is gone

Monty

All alone
But still I hear their yearning
Through the dark, the moon, alone there, burning

The stars too
They tell of spring returning –
And summer with another wind that no one yet has known

Spring Awakening-Those you’ve known

Tressa and all things good.

I must be dreaming
Or we're onto something
I must be dreaming
For i don't fall in love lawlessly
I must be dreaming
Or pinch me to waking
So undeniably yours
As long as i'm losing it so completely

Frou Frou-Must be Dreaming

i hate monty.

your mom.

i dont want sherilyn to find this. or anyone really.

its my thing.

steve came over last night...it was an odd trip down memory lane. he called me the other night and tried to get me to come out with him for icecream or soemthing like that. he thought he was going to leave for ireland on the 26th but his visa didnt come in yet...so when my mom picked me up from sherilyns house the other day he was in the car.

we built snowmen...six of them to be exact. it was my moms idea and it turned out to be a lot of fun. first we were only going ot build one...but the snow was perfect and we ended up building three snow balls that were so big that they all turned into "bases". i got ine built first and my mom brought out all the decorations...she tends to go a little overboard on these types of things but if she didnt they wouldnt have turned out as great as they did.

the first snowman was a regular girl with goggles for eyes, poker pieces for a mouth, a flashlight bulb for a nose, a hat and scarf and two sticks with mittens on them for hands. i was very proud.

the others ended up being a DRAGON(my idea) andrew decided to paint it green with spray paint ahaha...a demon walrus with icicles for teeth and a stick through its middle...a "cat" and a happy snowman. t


then josh came outside...saw our snowmen and got jealous. he started rolling around the biggest snowman base i had ever seen. it was massive. steve and i had to help him move it. then he proceded to make it over 6 feet tall in the midddle of our yard. it was massive and had shovels for arms and a metal bucket for a head. VERY manly. and joshua like.


my dad wanted me to bring steve home...and i almost did. i contemplated kissing him and although the concept of touching him ever again would have repulsed me a week ago having that contact with him in the snow was reminicent of days where we could just have fun together...innocently. i gave him a hug as my dad went to bring him home and that was it.

hes leaving for ireland for an entire year. i really dont have recurring feelings for him...but i did spend a long time throwing up my dinner in the shower. guesss i did. but im not willing to admit that...even to myself.

i need to get soem help. my mom comes in to my room later that night and all she says to me in "CLEAN UP THE FRONT OF THE TOILET AND THE RUG I JUST CLEANED THEM!"

i remember when she came in my room and was like "HEather you have to stop this...just STOP IT."

i thought to myself....WOUDLNT I IF I COULD?!?! its something i have admitted i cant control...but i dont want to go to any self help groups. im past that.



sherilyn just showed me the "mark is a douche" wall post thing and it is SOOO highschool. im over that. sooo over that. im trying to hypnotise myself and i cut out all of my green glass pieces for my tree.


till next time...

I need a fix in those heroine eyes.

so much has happened last night.

i was supposed to go out with sherilyn and laura.....then they basically both ditched me.

danielle called and i went over her place and to a party down the hall.

SOO MUCH FUN! basically we were really lame, i took 4 shots of vodka and smoked the gange ALOT and it produced really weird feelings. i always feel so fucked up when im drunk and high. buttt it turned out well. i slept on the couch in dannys apartment and this mornign i ended up going on an EPIC BREAKFAST SEARCH to try and get breakfast

1st we convinced everyone to go get crepes(this was a feat)-it was closed on sundays
2nd we decided we would go to blue ribbon-it was PACKED
3rd IHOP. -also packed
4th-we finally settled on the colonie diner which we passed on our way to IHOP

i saw my grandparents there. it was a little odd. but pleasent. my grandpa asked where i went to church that mornigng and i said "the church of my bed". it was a little ridic.

i smoked early this mornign and again when we got back from eating. only 1 hit each time...but it was nice. i was all giggly and i wasnt worried about anything.

then danny and i went to the mall, which was a FIASCO!

i spent sooo much time pulling the stupid clearance stickers off purses and finding two that were super expensive(big mistake) and meticulously avoiding cameras..(i thought, im not so sure now) i stuck them on again...they were really good. one was 130.00 the other was 279.00 really nice bags from italian designers.

i was soo excited..the lady at the check out was RETARDED and i was completely rung out when this guy noticed the tag and started peeling the stickers off. he says to me with a huge attitude"these dont belong on here" and told me the actual prices...i was all red and sweating and SOOO mad that he was so rude. i thought it was law that you had to give me the price on the tag...but i guess not. i was like "WHAT?! thats ridiculous...i dont want those." it was soo fake and terrible..i was very unimpressed with my performance. and they were SOOO NICe. one was a white slouchy bag in leather the other was tan with gold accents...it was structured but big...perfect for 5 finger discounts. not to mention they were EXPENSIVE. ajsjlaff sooo mad. i was furious when i left.


im sure if i had made a fuss i could have gotten them,,,but since i had actually done something wrong and was possibly on camera doing it i stuck my tail between my legs and slunk out of there with as much dignity as i could muster.

then i went to journeys and bought yellow ridiculous jellies because i was wearing my steve madden shiny black stilettos from the night before that are a size too small. then we went to AE and i got 3 shirts....3 neckaces(2 i gave to danny) and a pair of flops. it was so sketch though and im not doing it for a while. i almost got caught twice and i really dont want to take that risk. i need to slow it down and wait for new spring shit! hahahahahaasflhkjaskh i think im a klepto.
or something like that.


till next time...

PS i had a ridiculous conversation with monty while i was piss drunk....im glad i dont remember it because im sure i would be embarrased.

cut myself? i think not. pick would be more like it.

so its a friday night.
since no one reads this i guess my pride isnt wounded when i write twice in one day. i have a lot to get out. i have been doing sooo badly lately.

i have this strange feeling susan was right when she said that my mom uses me as her therapist. she was telling me today about how she told dad she wanted a divorce and he transferred 3500 of the 10 grand barb gave them to his personal account "for security". he also was going to try to take my 1500 but only got 1000 of it. it didnt go to pay my tuition on moms credit card bill. she says he "doesnt know what he did with it." i have a sneaking suspicion its in his account. he wants to buy a house around the corner. instead of rent again.

no big surprise here but things do get more difficult as you get older. i was always on my moms side but now with my addiction problem i can see where hes coming from. after all his blood runs through my veins. it doesnt excuse him for what he did to me but seriously, what was his choice and what was because of his upbringing? what is nature and what is nurture? i want to study science.
i want to voraciously lose myself in books, in other worlds. anything to escape this one. and be skinny. i need to stop eating so much. i want to learn how to hypnotise myself into eating less. i read about it and it sounds plausible.

i wonder if i was raped when i was younger. maybe i blocked it out and refuse to remember it. my dad did video-tape erica next door. whats to stop him from harming me? maybe i dont even remember it! i know i was molested by justin next door when i was in 6th grade......eleven. but that doesnt explain why i get off to older guys raping younger girls. i like it for the guy to be in control...which i dont think is that weird but in my fantasies the guy is always WAY older and a father or authority figure taking advantage of a much much younger girl. or lesbians. idk maybe -im a lezzie-bulimic-raped-as-a-child-former-christian HYPOCHONDRIAC but whatever.

the reason i wrote this post is because i picked my long cut on my ankle and thought about how similer it is to cutting myself. i tried once, but never drew blood. i never liked pain...but i do like plucking my eyebrows immensly and picking the scabs in my nose till i bleed. weird weird shit.
maybe i should be in an institution. nahhh that would suck. ireally dont think i need that.

i really feel like everyone has their "thing" their form of release and their way to get through this long lonly life, whether its drugs, alcohol, god, men, food, exercise, cutting, restricting, relationships, books or 10,000 other things you are addicted to. i dont think a life lived belonging to any one "thing" is a healthy one...who wants to live as a slave to something else? but then again...dont we have to go through shit to really appreciate the good?

it has been said that those born rich often get into more trouble with substance abuse and i do find that to be true...look at all the female stars today. we idolize their fame, beauty, money and lifestyle and in the same sentence defile them for searching for meaning in a world where they seemingly "have it all". everyone has a search for meaning, everyone searches for truth.


i know my search for truth is shallow and i shoudl be thinking of the starving africans in darfur but i cant help it. im a selfish 18 year old teenager.


that was pretty deep if i do say so myself.....and im not even high. till next time...

fatafatafartaftaasdfasdfa

i really think this birth control is making me fat. and that i need more meds. i didnt take my prozac yesterday(iforgot) and i ate 10 chocolate nuggets, the rest of a chocolate cake from pfchangs( i ate too much there and swore i would be good the next day) three slices of raisin bread and countless other shit, like pasta and my leftover tofu.
i feel sooo fat and im still shitting rabbit turds. means things in my body are NOT functioning right. im nervous to try laxatives because they dont solve the problem. maybe ill stop at a heath food store today and get a detox. and by "get" i mean steal. i know i know my policy is not to steal from home owned buisnesses but i need this shit and its like 40$. i feel really fat and i need to do something. ii havent been to the gym in two days and im freaking out.

i had sex with geoff. it was terrible. tytterawkefaserieiiibbrrrible.. his penis is soo small and he is soo bad and he didnt even stay hard and even though his stomach is statue-of-david esque he is skinny (tooooo skinny) and asdklfajklasdfjil. it wasnt even "alright" sex. there was no passion like before. it was good for legit. it was off limits. he went to the bathroom to bust a load before he even had sex with either of us. he called later that night to tell me that meghan had called him 10 times because she was AT HIS HOUSE! ahhhhh soo funny. he was sleeping on sherilyn's floor and she was waiting to give him valentines day stuff back.

OH by the way geoff doesnt go out with meghan anymore.....hehe. i dont care. honestly i would say if i wanted to date him but i DONT hes LAME. i want someone new. someone smart, witty, attractive, slightly asshole, tall, clean, sane, and someone `who has his own life.

snow and gynos

so this morning it was my turn to drive to school because sherilyn and i switch driving everymorning....BUT it was snowing terribly and my locks on both front doors froze. as a consequence sherilyn says i have to drive the next THREE days...bitch. whatever. sometimes i cant stand her.
Today i ate oatmeal for breakfast, spilled my coffee because i left it on top of the car, a mexican wrap at greenfoods? with grilled chicken, corn,cranberries,avocados,mesculin lettuce and tomatoes and then had chocolate at sherilyns house. i then proceded to throw up because i was upset at sherilyn for being a bitch and because i felt fat. THen i went to the gym with my mom...tanned for 6 min ( 8 min yesterday) and ran for 20 min. I know thats not alot since i ate chocolate today but i did exercise for an hour yesterday and did weights.
On a happier note I finished my stained glass today!! yayyyy! its really pretty! I also started making my other final project for stained glass. Its my celtic tree that i got at a Scottish festival. Ill have to find my camera so i can put pictures up!
I want to have sexytime with matt. i dont know if i miss him or just the intimacy. he could be really sweet when he wasnt being a wannabe stoner-gankster-gay FAG. hahahhaha. i dont want to waste him...aslkdfjasfjd idk whats wrong with me.
Yesterday i forgot to mention Kenny yuck as one of the guys i talk to. I havent done anything with him...OH and i forgot Joe. God im a bit of a slut. whatever..sherilyn,laura and i might go over his house(Kennys) tonight and get drunkkkkkkkkk. i like sleeping over peoples houses and gettting freee drunk. i like getting a LITTLE high because when i smoke to much i get WEIRDDDD. i liked smoking with danielle the other day...i like hanging out with her...even if she talks about herself constantly. Im guilty of it too...what am i doing right now? haha.
still miss monty. i dont know why. hes not great. hes not really attractive. so what he has a huge penis. it mostly hurts. he mostly hurts.
me.


SO FUCKING EMMOOOO hahahahaha