cut myself? i think not. pick would be more like it.

so its a friday night.
since no one reads this i guess my pride isnt wounded when i write twice in one day. i have a lot to get out. i have been doing sooo badly lately.

i have this strange feeling susan was right when she said that my mom uses me as her therapist. she was telling me today about how she told dad she wanted a divorce and he transferred 3500 of the 10 grand barb gave them to his personal account "for security". he also was going to try to take my 1500 but only got 1000 of it. it didnt go to pay my tuition on moms credit card bill. she says he "doesnt know what he did with it." i have a sneaking suspicion its in his account. he wants to buy a house around the corner. instead of rent again.

no big surprise here but things do get more difficult as you get older. i was always on my moms side but now with my addiction problem i can see where hes coming from. after all his blood runs through my veins. it doesnt excuse him for what he did to me but seriously, what was his choice and what was because of his upbringing? what is nature and what is nurture? i want to study science.
i want to voraciously lose myself in books, in other worlds. anything to escape this one. and be skinny. i need to stop eating so much. i want to learn how to hypnotise myself into eating less. i read about it and it sounds plausible.

i wonder if i was raped when i was younger. maybe i blocked it out and refuse to remember it. my dad did video-tape erica next door. whats to stop him from harming me? maybe i dont even remember it! i know i was molested by justin next door when i was in 6th grade......eleven. but that doesnt explain why i get off to older guys raping younger girls. i like it for the guy to be in control...which i dont think is that weird but in my fantasies the guy is always WAY older and a father or authority figure taking advantage of a much much younger girl. or lesbians. idk maybe -im a lezzie-bulimic-raped-as-a-child-former-christian HYPOCHONDRIAC but whatever.

the reason i wrote this post is because i picked my long cut on my ankle and thought about how similer it is to cutting myself. i tried once, but never drew blood. i never liked pain...but i do like plucking my eyebrows immensly and picking the scabs in my nose till i bleed. weird weird shit.
maybe i should be in an institution. nahhh that would suck. ireally dont think i need that.

i really feel like everyone has their "thing" their form of release and their way to get through this long lonly life, whether its drugs, alcohol, god, men, food, exercise, cutting, restricting, relationships, books or 10,000 other things you are addicted to. i dont think a life lived belonging to any one "thing" is a healthy one...who wants to live as a slave to something else? but then again...dont we have to go through shit to really appreciate the good?

it has been said that those born rich often get into more trouble with substance abuse and i do find that to be true...look at all the female stars today. we idolize their fame, beauty, money and lifestyle and in the same sentence defile them for searching for meaning in a world where they seemingly "have it all". everyone has a search for meaning, everyone searches for truth.


i know my search for truth is shallow and i shoudl be thinking of the starving africans in darfur but i cant help it. im a selfish 18 year old teenager.


that was pretty deep if i do say so myself.....and im not even high. till next time...