visiting grandma, yesterday was bad.

Im in Cobleskill right now, visiting my great grandma who has congestive heart failure. shes sleeping right now so were in the kitchen room, my brothers are playing battleship and my mom is painting her nails.

yesterday i was at shers alll day long and ate the shittyest shit ever. i didnt really get to purge untill WAYYY later several times and felt soo fat. we made cupcakes and colored eggs and i ate so much frosting....three cupcakes plain...countless m&ms..everyone noticed how much shit i ate. at the end of the night when i had thrown up the second time they were offering me frosting and saying "hey you ate soo much earlier" then they were making fun of my cupcakes and my eggs...i couldnt do anything right...like usual. colette was so fucking annoying she wanted me to drive my car to go visit jesse...bethanys boyfriend...to get a free latte. i said i didnt have enough gas...sherilyn REFUSED to go or take her car...beth didnt have a car and i did not have enough gas. she didnt offer to buy me gas, refused to let beth drive her car and called me cheap and tryed to guilt me into going. she can be such a bitch. i cant even describe it well because jimmy neutron is on the TV and i cant think while inadvertantly listening to it.

i really dont want to watchbut anyone who knows me knows that i get hopelessly attached to the television whenever it is on regardless of what is on. i blame it on my mother...who that also happens to. all my friends make fun of me because of that as well.

i had a long talk with monty about our rant the other night. i hung up on him MULTIPLE times and said something like "fuck you im going to fuck geoff" hahahaha. blarg. but what he and i both remembered is that i said " i hate feeling like im last on your list" he said that he never felt like i was that to him but i know that since we had sex he sees me in a different way. i told him that hes always been first on my list...thats a lie as well but lately he has and i hate it. i told him he ruined brand new for me. i could feel him soften on the other side of the phone and i could feel the connection i wish we still had. i think back to the times of camp...of six flags. we were so physical then but there was this sense of longing....maybe it was always just physical to him but at sonshine where i cried and said i couldnt be with him it hurt so badly and i still remember that. ive cried over brian wolfe and monty. both of them gave me this look like they wanted to see my soul and monty did that the other night when he was blasted. im not making much sense right now but who needs grammer right? no one fucking reads this so this only serves to be an aid to my failing memory. i feel like if i think about the sentence structure or what im going to type beofre i do then it becomes contrived and i begin to think about what others would think if they read it.

i always do that, in all the diaries ive ever had. i always sensor what actually happened or how i actually felt, either because i honestly cant capture it well or because im afraid my mom will read it. im still scarred by that


Prozac Nation was annoying. she whined and i was jealous wehn she talked about how skinny she got. i wished i could get skinny when im depressed. now im reading this book on getting over eating disorders and its talking about how prozac is the only drug that is FDA approved to treat bulimia. i cant help but wish i was anorexic even though i know that i know that i know that you live in hell. i really just want to be happy, but i dont feel happy when i think im fat, which is almost all the time. i feel so accomplished when i "forget to eat" but that does not happen often only when im at school or not at home. i do better when im with tressa or out with sherry or out anywhere. at home is the worst.

my whole family is in this room and my dad is standing behind me and it makes me angry.
he was such a dick in the car he wouldnt let me listen to my ipod and he was unreasonably mad...readng this book on loving your family or some stupid self help book. i see how incredibly childish and lost he is and how power-hungry and in need of control he is. again with the run on sentences...this is more of a free though piece. thank god he left the room.


i prefer not to think of him or how i feel about him. i prefer to ifnore my feelings for him and piss him off because i know that i can. most of the things i do actually i dont realize im pissing him off but then he asks me why im doing this "horribly annoying thing" and i piss him off by saying " im doing it JUST to annoy you" hahaha and he goes " I KNOW YOU ARE" and then i say something like "yes dad, its always about you, your actually the only thing i think about///pissing you off is high on my priorities."

the first thing i do usually isnt just to piss him off...but the subsequent actions are. its for all the times hes had control over me and ive sat crying just wanting some sort of compromise. its so hard to have his moods all over the fucking place and see him with my dying grandma...praying and praising god that she is doing better. not that this is ANYTHING new but i hate the hypocrisy. ive always hated it. its probably why i feel like i have dual sides of me...why i tend to see things in black and white. susan tried to get me out of thinking that way. i felt like she actually cared about me but then i chose to leave NP. what can she do? she has other patients. she can onlywork with willing patients.

i need to tell my doctor that the prozac is not controlling my binging urges as well as it was before. i think i jsut need to be on a higher dose..which sucks because i dont want to be on drugs at all. but when i have enough prozac..i can control myself. i could never join the air force reserves because ive been on psycotropic drugs for a certain amount of time. OHHH welllll. its proably the biggest secret ive kept from my friends...im sure sherilyn knows because of the amount of times shes been through my bag but we dont talk about it and she pretends to not know. she saw in my file when i got the depo in my ass that ihad been prescrivbed prozac whne i was at NP. she asked about it and i was like "yeah i was on it"/

idk why im ashamed to be taking happy pills. some people need it and i do. it helps me cope with life. i like the idea of taking medicine for an eating disorder more than taking medicine for depression alone. but im sure my depression is part of the reason i have an eating disorder so w/e. its as bad as ever i threw up THIS morning.

the reason im writing so much is that i took a concerta with my prozac this morning to control my appetite. i wonder what dr tun would say if i told her i took it and i really feel like it helps. my father has a prescription for adderall and when i take his its good for controlling my appetite. however, i was reading that adderall can suddnly cause a great weight GAIN because it alters the metabolism so it doesnt functiion at a high rate by itself.

concerta really helps me control my cravings for FOOOD ALL THE TIME. yesterday i wauncontrollable. i was an unrelenting fire..consuming everything placed infront of me..i had three pieces of pizza after i told myself i wasnt going to eat again that day. i fuck up my body wehn i drink that laxative tea like i did last night but its the only way i feel clean again.

dr. asshole psychiatrist at NP told me to look up cyclothymia which is depression with gradual "up" feelings created by environmental good things but a general feeling of depression most of the time. he thought i might have that. my dad has bipolar so idk about that. i dont really think i fit in the categoryy of that...but then again im really up right now..but i think its because of the concerta. i feel like if i stop writing ill never get it all out..ill forget to say something vital that ill need to remember later or blahdeblah blahh.

there watching waynes world. i wanted ot go to the gym today but my dad informed me that we were coming here, to cobleskill right before i left. so i went anyhway,,,,but only went tanning. i like tanning and i like my skin when its tan and i like the relaxing feeling i get when i tan. i hate the burning towards the end but i like listening to my ipod.
i hate not haveinng control over what i eat or feeling a strong desire to eat everything sugary. its not good for me.askjflkjsafd i need to go to the doctor.

and IM STILL BLEEDING OUT OF MY VAGINA!!! ahahsdfkajshdf soo mad.


i talked to eric last night and geoff as well. i like them both well enough but ive never really loved anyone. there just nice to have around and feel like im close to. eric oculd be cool but what if the same thing happens if we have sex> idk i dont have to worry about that because hes in michigan and wont be home till way later.

i have my ihop training /paper filling out shit on tuesday and my phone interview with chris copeland. alright ikm tired out


i also talked to