exausted, doctors tomorrow

i woke up tired today with diarrhea...but i didnt drink any lax tea last night and didnt have the usual terrible cramps that accompany the tea. my brother stayed home from school because he had diarrhea as well so i think it was something we both got.

i vomited several times today but also exercised for 20 min on the stairmaster and 25 min on the elliptical. im going to go to the gym after my doctors appointment tomorrow or before if i wake up for it.

maybe ive been tired all day because i took my insomniac medicine last night. i woke up several times during the night sweating like CRAZY and really uncomfortable. my days and binge/purge cycles all blend into one another.

i desperately want to stop this terrible behavior and hope my doctors appointment tomorrow gets me on some new meds or something. i hope to tell her about how concerta helps and hopes she doesnt get mad but puts me on something. i also need to talk to my mom about going to see a therapist or something.

i also really want to be anorexic but i love eating. and i really do want to be healthy skinny. but skinny none the less. i just want more control over what i eat. i want to be able to say NO to the cake and just not eat it at all. not eat 1 piece then think wow im fat ill eat the whole thing and throw it up. i just get in these moods and i dont think about binging...i just do. and then i feel sooo fat and gross and full. i HATE feeling full. hate it.