songs and shlongs

hehe maybe no shlongs...to my dismay.

geoff doesnt want to date me because of monty. not like i want to date him but it would still be nice for him to want to date me. i feel fat, i didnt take my meds today and ate a whole bunch and threw up and only worked out for 17:38. i almost wish i was addicted to something else, like coke. at least then i would be skinny.

that was terrible..but whatever. i was just reading this drug book at barnes and noble..and i would say that im an addict. i use sugary foods to boost my seretonin level much the same way that an alcoholic or an addict does. except you cant quit eating food. well, i could try, but i would fail and end up fatter. many people do. but crash diets odntaskdfjlkjsdf if i could stop "cold turkey" i would.

why im excusing myself for this discusting behavior i dont know. i dont think i really want to stop. what i really want is to be skinny and ana. im trying to hypnotize myself into losing weight....yes ive gone a little into the deep end of the pool. but who doesnt know that?

soo to itunes...i was listening to songs on random and wrote down some of my fav. lyrics and what they remind me of.....caio till next time!

bones sinking like stones
all that we fought for
homes, places we’ve grown
all of us are done for.
and we live in a beautiful world,
yeah we do yeah we do.

Coldplay –Don’t panic

Ana

Well sad, small, sure and porcelain
You're skin and bones, I'm a nervous wreck
Well I've got a bad feeling about this (when it comes to this)
I've got a bad feeling about this

Taking Back Sunday-A decade under the influence

Ana

We must blend into the choir, sing as static with the whole,
We must memorize nine numbers and deny we have a soul,
And to this endless race for property and privilege to be won
We must run, we must run, we must run.

Bright Eyes-At the bottom of everything

Ana(running)

They’re tryin to make me go to rehab
I said no, no, no
Yes I been black, but when I come back
You wont know, know, know.

Amy Winehouse-Rehab

Ana

The world I love
The tears I drop
To be part of
The wave can't stop
Ever wonder if it's all for you
The world I love
The trains I hop
To be part of
The wave can't stop
Come and tell me when it's time to

Sweetheart is bleeding in the snowcone
So smart she's leading me to ozone
Music the great communicator
Use two sticks to make it in the nature
I'll get you into penetration
The gender of a generation
The birth of every other nation
Worth your weight the gold of meditation
This chapter's going to be a close one
Smoke rings I know your going to blow one
All on a spaceship persevering
Use my hands for everything but steering
Can't stop the spirits when they need you
Mop tops are happy when they feed you
J. Butterfly is in the treetop
Birds that blow the meaning into bebop

Red Hot Chilli Peppers- Can’t Stop

i cant stop.

There were days when a refrain
Would brighten our corner of Hickory Lane
When you would sing that song for me
The only one you know
But I know now, not at the start,
We're going to pieces, we're falling apart
So won't you sing that song for me
just like your favorite singer?

Ramona-guster

Monty

remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange
You said everything changed
You felt as if you'd just woke up
And you said,
This is the first day of my life,
Glad I didn't die before I met you
But now I don't care I could go anywhere with you
And I'd probably be happy.

Bright eyes- first day of my life

Monty

As your spine starts to shine
You shiver at your soul
A fist so clear and climbing
Punches a hole
In the sky
So you can see
For yourself
If you don't believe me

Wilco-less than you think

Ana

Sit down for supper, won't you dine with me
Or can't you handle seeing all I see
I've grown to colorblind to cease my bitching
And I've grown to love the pain

Say anything- colorblind

Ana

I'm nice to you, I could make it through
That you're already somebody's baby
I could make you smile if you stayed a while
But how long will you stay with me baby

Elliot smith –twilight

Geoff

i have a mandolin
i play it all night long
it makes we want to kill myself

-built to spill- 100,000 fireflies

Haha Stephan from NP

I could never love again so much as I love you
Where you end where I begin is like a river going through
Take my eyes, take my heart cuz I need them no more
If never again they fall upon the one I so adore

Dave Matthews Band-Grace is gone

Monty

All alone
But still I hear their yearning
Through the dark, the moon, alone there, burning

The stars too
They tell of spring returning –
And summer with another wind that no one yet has known

Spring Awakening-Those you’ve known

Tressa and all things good.

I must be dreaming
Or we're onto something
I must be dreaming
For i don't fall in love lawlessly
I must be dreaming
Or pinch me to waking
So undeniably yours
As long as i'm losing it so completely

Frou Frou-Must be Dreaming

i hate monty.

your mom.

i dont want sherilyn to find this. or anyone really.

its my thing.

steve came over last night...it was an odd trip down memory lane. he called me the other night and tried to get me to come out with him for icecream or soemthing like that. he thought he was going to leave for ireland on the 26th but his visa didnt come in yet...so when my mom picked me up from sherilyns house the other day he was in the car.

we built snowmen...six of them to be exact. it was my moms idea and it turned out to be a lot of fun. first we were only going ot build one...but the snow was perfect and we ended up building three snow balls that were so big that they all turned into "bases". i got ine built first and my mom brought out all the decorations...she tends to go a little overboard on these types of things but if she didnt they wouldnt have turned out as great as they did.

the first snowman was a regular girl with goggles for eyes, poker pieces for a mouth, a flashlight bulb for a nose, a hat and scarf and two sticks with mittens on them for hands. i was very proud.

the others ended up being a DRAGON(my idea) andrew decided to paint it green with spray paint ahaha...a demon walrus with icicles for teeth and a stick through its middle...a "cat" and a happy snowman. t


then josh came outside...saw our snowmen and got jealous. he started rolling around the biggest snowman base i had ever seen. it was massive. steve and i had to help him move it. then he proceded to make it over 6 feet tall in the midddle of our yard. it was massive and had shovels for arms and a metal bucket for a head. VERY manly. and joshua like.


my dad wanted me to bring steve home...and i almost did. i contemplated kissing him and although the concept of touching him ever again would have repulsed me a week ago having that contact with him in the snow was reminicent of days where we could just have fun together...innocently. i gave him a hug as my dad went to bring him home and that was it.

hes leaving for ireland for an entire year. i really dont have recurring feelings for him...but i did spend a long time throwing up my dinner in the shower. guesss i did. but im not willing to admit that...even to myself.

i need to get soem help. my mom comes in to my room later that night and all she says to me in "CLEAN UP THE FRONT OF THE TOILET AND THE RUG I JUST CLEANED THEM!"

i remember when she came in my room and was like "HEather you have to stop this...just STOP IT."

i thought to myself....WOUDLNT I IF I COULD?!?! its something i have admitted i cant control...but i dont want to go to any self help groups. im past that.



sherilyn just showed me the "mark is a douche" wall post thing and it is SOOO highschool. im over that. sooo over that. im trying to hypnotise myself and i cut out all of my green glass pieces for my tree.


till next time...

I need a fix in those heroine eyes.

so much has happened last night.

i was supposed to go out with sherilyn and laura.....then they basically both ditched me.

danielle called and i went over her place and to a party down the hall.

SOO MUCH FUN! basically we were really lame, i took 4 shots of vodka and smoked the gange ALOT and it produced really weird feelings. i always feel so fucked up when im drunk and high. buttt it turned out well. i slept on the couch in dannys apartment and this mornign i ended up going on an EPIC BREAKFAST SEARCH to try and get breakfast

1st we convinced everyone to go get crepes(this was a feat)-it was closed on sundays
2nd we decided we would go to blue ribbon-it was PACKED
3rd IHOP. -also packed
4th-we finally settled on the colonie diner which we passed on our way to IHOP

i saw my grandparents there. it was a little odd. but pleasent. my grandpa asked where i went to church that mornigng and i said "the church of my bed". it was a little ridic.

i smoked early this mornign and again when we got back from eating. only 1 hit each time...but it was nice. i was all giggly and i wasnt worried about anything.

then danny and i went to the mall, which was a FIASCO!

i spent sooo much time pulling the stupid clearance stickers off purses and finding two that were super expensive(big mistake) and meticulously avoiding cameras..(i thought, im not so sure now) i stuck them on again...they were really good. one was 130.00 the other was 279.00 really nice bags from italian designers.

i was soo excited..the lady at the check out was RETARDED and i was completely rung out when this guy noticed the tag and started peeling the stickers off. he says to me with a huge attitude"these dont belong on here" and told me the actual prices...i was all red and sweating and SOOO mad that he was so rude. i thought it was law that you had to give me the price on the tag...but i guess not. i was like "WHAT?! thats ridiculous...i dont want those." it was soo fake and terrible..i was very unimpressed with my performance. and they were SOOO NICe. one was a white slouchy bag in leather the other was tan with gold accents...it was structured but big...perfect for 5 finger discounts. not to mention they were EXPENSIVE. ajsjlaff sooo mad. i was furious when i left.


im sure if i had made a fuss i could have gotten them,,,but since i had actually done something wrong and was possibly on camera doing it i stuck my tail between my legs and slunk out of there with as much dignity as i could muster.

then i went to journeys and bought yellow ridiculous jellies because i was wearing my steve madden shiny black stilettos from the night before that are a size too small. then we went to AE and i got 3 shirts....3 neckaces(2 i gave to danny) and a pair of flops. it was so sketch though and im not doing it for a while. i almost got caught twice and i really dont want to take that risk. i need to slow it down and wait for new spring shit! hahahahahaasflhkjaskh i think im a klepto.
or something like that.


till next time...

PS i had a ridiculous conversation with monty while i was piss drunk....im glad i dont remember it because im sure i would be embarrased.

cut myself? i think not. pick would be more like it.

so its a friday night.
since no one reads this i guess my pride isnt wounded when i write twice in one day. i have a lot to get out. i have been doing sooo badly lately.

i have this strange feeling susan was right when she said that my mom uses me as her therapist. she was telling me today about how she told dad she wanted a divorce and he transferred 3500 of the 10 grand barb gave them to his personal account "for security". he also was going to try to take my 1500 but only got 1000 of it. it didnt go to pay my tuition on moms credit card bill. she says he "doesnt know what he did with it." i have a sneaking suspicion its in his account. he wants to buy a house around the corner. instead of rent again.

no big surprise here but things do get more difficult as you get older. i was always on my moms side but now with my addiction problem i can see where hes coming from. after all his blood runs through my veins. it doesnt excuse him for what he did to me but seriously, what was his choice and what was because of his upbringing? what is nature and what is nurture? i want to study science.
i want to voraciously lose myself in books, in other worlds. anything to escape this one. and be skinny. i need to stop eating so much. i want to learn how to hypnotise myself into eating less. i read about it and it sounds plausible.

i wonder if i was raped when i was younger. maybe i blocked it out and refuse to remember it. my dad did video-tape erica next door. whats to stop him from harming me? maybe i dont even remember it! i know i was molested by justin next door when i was in 6th grade......eleven. but that doesnt explain why i get off to older guys raping younger girls. i like it for the guy to be in control...which i dont think is that weird but in my fantasies the guy is always WAY older and a father or authority figure taking advantage of a much much younger girl. or lesbians. idk maybe -im a lezzie-bulimic-raped-as-a-child-former-christian HYPOCHONDRIAC but whatever.

the reason i wrote this post is because i picked my long cut on my ankle and thought about how similer it is to cutting myself. i tried once, but never drew blood. i never liked pain...but i do like plucking my eyebrows immensly and picking the scabs in my nose till i bleed. weird weird shit.
maybe i should be in an institution. nahhh that would suck. ireally dont think i need that.

i really feel like everyone has their "thing" their form of release and their way to get through this long lonly life, whether its drugs, alcohol, god, men, food, exercise, cutting, restricting, relationships, books or 10,000 other things you are addicted to. i dont think a life lived belonging to any one "thing" is a healthy one...who wants to live as a slave to something else? but then again...dont we have to go through shit to really appreciate the good?

it has been said that those born rich often get into more trouble with substance abuse and i do find that to be true...look at all the female stars today. we idolize their fame, beauty, money and lifestyle and in the same sentence defile them for searching for meaning in a world where they seemingly "have it all". everyone has a search for meaning, everyone searches for truth.


i know my search for truth is shallow and i shoudl be thinking of the starving africans in darfur but i cant help it. im a selfish 18 year old teenager.


that was pretty deep if i do say so myself.....and im not even high. till next time...

fatafatafartaftaasdfasdfa

i really think this birth control is making me fat. and that i need more meds. i didnt take my prozac yesterday(iforgot) and i ate 10 chocolate nuggets, the rest of a chocolate cake from pfchangs( i ate too much there and swore i would be good the next day) three slices of raisin bread and countless other shit, like pasta and my leftover tofu.
i feel sooo fat and im still shitting rabbit turds. means things in my body are NOT functioning right. im nervous to try laxatives because they dont solve the problem. maybe ill stop at a heath food store today and get a detox. and by "get" i mean steal. i know i know my policy is not to steal from home owned buisnesses but i need this shit and its like 40$. i feel really fat and i need to do something. ii havent been to the gym in two days and im freaking out.

i had sex with geoff. it was terrible. tytterawkefaserieiiibbrrrible.. his penis is soo small and he is soo bad and he didnt even stay hard and even though his stomach is statue-of-david esque he is skinny (tooooo skinny) and asdklfajklasdfjil. it wasnt even "alright" sex. there was no passion like before. it was good for legit. it was off limits. he went to the bathroom to bust a load before he even had sex with either of us. he called later that night to tell me that meghan had called him 10 times because she was AT HIS HOUSE! ahhhhh soo funny. he was sleeping on sherilyn's floor and she was waiting to give him valentines day stuff back.

OH by the way geoff doesnt go out with meghan anymore.....hehe. i dont care. honestly i would say if i wanted to date him but i DONT hes LAME. i want someone new. someone smart, witty, attractive, slightly asshole, tall, clean, sane, and someone `who has his own life.

snow and gynos

so this morning it was my turn to drive to school because sherilyn and i switch driving everymorning....BUT it was snowing terribly and my locks on both front doors froze. as a consequence sherilyn says i have to drive the next THREE days...bitch. whatever. sometimes i cant stand her.
Today i ate oatmeal for breakfast, spilled my coffee because i left it on top of the car, a mexican wrap at greenfoods? with grilled chicken, corn,cranberries,avocados,mesculin lettuce and tomatoes and then had chocolate at sherilyns house. i then proceded to throw up because i was upset at sherilyn for being a bitch and because i felt fat. THen i went to the gym with my mom...tanned for 6 min ( 8 min yesterday) and ran for 20 min. I know thats not alot since i ate chocolate today but i did exercise for an hour yesterday and did weights.
On a happier note I finished my stained glass today!! yayyyy! its really pretty! I also started making my other final project for stained glass. Its my celtic tree that i got at a Scottish festival. Ill have to find my camera so i can put pictures up!
I want to have sexytime with matt. i dont know if i miss him or just the intimacy. he could be really sweet when he wasnt being a wannabe stoner-gankster-gay FAG. hahahhaha. i dont want to waste him...aslkdfjasfjd idk whats wrong with me.
Yesterday i forgot to mention Kenny yuck as one of the guys i talk to. I havent done anything with him...OH and i forgot Joe. God im a bit of a slut. whatever..sherilyn,laura and i might go over his house(Kennys) tonight and get drunkkkkkkkkk. i like sleeping over peoples houses and gettting freee drunk. i like getting a LITTLE high because when i smoke to much i get WEIRDDDD. i liked smoking with danielle the other day...i like hanging out with her...even if she talks about herself constantly. Im guilty of it too...what am i doing right now? haha.
still miss monty. i dont know why. hes not great. hes not really attractive. so what he has a huge penis. it mostly hurts. he mostly hurts.
me.


SO FUCKING EMMOOOO hahahahaha

monday shmunday

soooooo last night was fun. i hung out with danielle and ben ben tasties, who happens to be one of the many boys i have on a string. After reading "The Game" i totally appreciate all the guys i talk to even more. he talks about imagining your own reality, which is something i do regularily. In the book he informs his ten girls about the others....i dont. Lets see....right now theres Matt, Eric, Ben, Monty,Geoff,Biway,Noah and Scott. They all are hookups i could call and be like "HEY lets get together!" andd fuck. except for Scott,Noah,Biway Ben and Eric. see if you can figure that one out hahaa.
This morning i weighed myself and i was 128.8. not too terribly bad...pretty much my normal weight. i was expecting to be heavier because last night i smoked and went to dennys with danielle. i got a sampler and ATE THE WHOLE THING! it was crazy. I've just recently started eating meat( i was a vegetarian for 1 1/2 years) and now im expirimenting with chicken because it makes me full. what can you do right? but this shit last night was FRIED. fried onion rings....chicken and mozzerella sticks. soo bad. ohh well i had the munchies. and danielle is fun. sherilyn is so incredibly negative that she really gets on my nerves sometimes. this morning she had me write out her cheat sheet for psych because she was too lazy to do it herself. i swear she acts like a queen and expects everyone to be her servents. im going to hang with danielle more and shona. seriously ive had enough of being abused and controlled. at least im skinnier than her.

that was mean. shes my best friend. and i do love her. but seriously darling....its kindof gross.
anyway till next time :)

First of many, i hope

so ive been struggling for a while now, but hope to finally be "good"
im at 130 pds...5'8. wayyyy too fat. at my best i was at 115. i was happy then. i really want to get back there. i just started taking birthcontrol and i feel like its making me fat. and my prozac was working as a fine appetitie suppresant(im mia) but now its not working as well and im binging. ill have to get up the courage to tell my doctor and get some MORE meds. god i hate medication. i hate it. but if it makes me stop thinking about food all the fucking time and actually helps me get to my goal weight....why the fuck not? ahh i hope i actually write in here more often. i was searching for thinspo and Not_alone's profile popped up. she inspired me to start writing in an online journal again. and shes got GREAT thinspo. check her out. till next time...