spiriling out of control

so yeah. im crazy. im doing coke, a 28 year old, cigarretes, a 22 year old, having 3 somes with my best friend,alcohol,throwing up, alli, and fucking loving it.

sometimes i feel like im really crazy. like when i made my mom cry the other day. she knows im not doing well. im not even skinny though. i do feel fat next to renn and rich with their skinny perfect bodies.

it was sad leaving his place tonight. his gf was coming home from pennsylvania. he was like " i dont want to be a jerk but..."

i was hanging out with him and sherilyn the other night and got pulled over. i had been drinking. i didnt get a ticket for dui thank god but i did get three tickets for going 43 in a 30, having my registration out of date, and for having something in the wrong place.

we called lauras mom to come pick us up. i bought her flowers the other day and got lectured by karen and wayne. that was nice. not.

renn leaves tomorrow. that sucks. hes kinda boring though. but hes pretty.

i havent seen geoff in sooo long. soo long. monty texted me and wanted to know what i was up to tonight. i had to work. i was supposed to go to RPI tonight to visit renn but went to riches instead and we had sex, then went to go get coke. his friend was really funny and works at fridays. wish i remembered his name.

Sex is a good way to procrastinate.

procrastinating. had sex with geoff. it was hot, long and all i could think about was my stomach and when he was going to come. his penis is thin...it was best when i clenched my legs behind his back. he was all proud of himself for "going that long"///i wont lie, it is really hot, hes really hot, i definitely enjoy myself or i wouldnt be doing it but its just not amazing. i told him at the end that i wanted to do it standing up next time. hehe. that should be good. need to lose a little more weight for that. okay...a lot more. buuuuttt im going to be down in the city and blah de blah..seeing modeling agencies. idk why but i ate a POPTART and a chocolate piece today. and didnt throw up.
i threw up my berry/skim milk smoothie this morning because i had too much and it would have been pretty easy to just drink some water and throw up that chocolate buttt i didnt. maybe its those endorphins.

ahhhhh i have a big paper due tomorrow and im really procrastinating. seriously. bad. im gonna do it right now. after i go and (hopefully) take a fat shit. ive been drinking "slimming tea" and i took a diuretic today and had coffee and finished my detox bottle i got from target that was in the car and ive felt allll gassy but havent been able to go. fuckk i just want to be as thin as i can for tomorrow!! GOSH I HAVE TO PACKKK AND GET READY!

[edit] i just read all forty sources. go me. i now have no faith in the reporting world. so many discrepancies in the details. yes, they can get the facts right, but one "factual" article to another...they all paint the charecters as either victims of race, or victims of a henous crime and blahhhdeblahhh. i just want this to be over. i just ate chicken with veggies and im full because i went back for seconds. get a grip!

cut myself? i think not. pick would be more like it.

so its a friday night.
since no one reads this i guess my pride isnt wounded when i write twice in one day. i have a lot to get out. i have been doing sooo badly lately.

i have this strange feeling susan was right when she said that my mom uses me as her therapist. she was telling me today about how she told dad she wanted a divorce and he transferred 3500 of the 10 grand barb gave them to his personal account "for security". he also was going to try to take my 1500 but only got 1000 of it. it didnt go to pay my tuition on moms credit card bill. she says he "doesnt know what he did with it." i have a sneaking suspicion its in his account. he wants to buy a house around the corner. instead of rent again.

no big surprise here but things do get more difficult as you get older. i was always on my moms side but now with my addiction problem i can see where hes coming from. after all his blood runs through my veins. it doesnt excuse him for what he did to me but seriously, what was his choice and what was because of his upbringing? what is nature and what is nurture? i want to study science.
i want to voraciously lose myself in books, in other worlds. anything to escape this one. and be skinny. i need to stop eating so much. i want to learn how to hypnotise myself into eating less. i read about it and it sounds plausible.

i wonder if i was raped when i was younger. maybe i blocked it out and refuse to remember it. my dad did video-tape erica next door. whats to stop him from harming me? maybe i dont even remember it! i know i was molested by justin next door when i was in 6th grade......eleven. but that doesnt explain why i get off to older guys raping younger girls. i like it for the guy to be in control...which i dont think is that weird but in my fantasies the guy is always WAY older and a father or authority figure taking advantage of a much much younger girl. or lesbians. idk maybe -im a lezzie-bulimic-raped-as-a-child-former-christian HYPOCHONDRIAC but whatever.

the reason i wrote this post is because i picked my long cut on my ankle and thought about how similer it is to cutting myself. i tried once, but never drew blood. i never liked pain...but i do like plucking my eyebrows immensly and picking the scabs in my nose till i bleed. weird weird shit.
maybe i should be in an institution. nahhh that would suck. ireally dont think i need that.

i really feel like everyone has their "thing" their form of release and their way to get through this long lonly life, whether its drugs, alcohol, god, men, food, exercise, cutting, restricting, relationships, books or 10,000 other things you are addicted to. i dont think a life lived belonging to any one "thing" is a healthy one...who wants to live as a slave to something else? but then again...dont we have to go through shit to really appreciate the good?

it has been said that those born rich often get into more trouble with substance abuse and i do find that to be true...look at all the female stars today. we idolize their fame, beauty, money and lifestyle and in the same sentence defile them for searching for meaning in a world where they seemingly "have it all". everyone has a search for meaning, everyone searches for truth.


i know my search for truth is shallow and i shoudl be thinking of the starving africans in darfur but i cant help it. im a selfish 18 year old teenager.


that was pretty deep if i do say so myself.....and im not even high. till next time...

snow and gynos

so this morning it was my turn to drive to school because sherilyn and i switch driving everymorning....BUT it was snowing terribly and my locks on both front doors froze. as a consequence sherilyn says i have to drive the next THREE days...bitch. whatever. sometimes i cant stand her.
Today i ate oatmeal for breakfast, spilled my coffee because i left it on top of the car, a mexican wrap at greenfoods? with grilled chicken, corn,cranberries,avocados,mesculin lettuce and tomatoes and then had chocolate at sherilyns house. i then proceded to throw up because i was upset at sherilyn for being a bitch and because i felt fat. THen i went to the gym with my mom...tanned for 6 min ( 8 min yesterday) and ran for 20 min. I know thats not alot since i ate chocolate today but i did exercise for an hour yesterday and did weights.
On a happier note I finished my stained glass today!! yayyyy! its really pretty! I also started making my other final project for stained glass. Its my celtic tree that i got at a Scottish festival. Ill have to find my camera so i can put pictures up!
I want to have sexytime with matt. i dont know if i miss him or just the intimacy. he could be really sweet when he wasnt being a wannabe stoner-gankster-gay FAG. hahahhaha. i dont want to waste him...aslkdfjasfjd idk whats wrong with me.
Yesterday i forgot to mention Kenny yuck as one of the guys i talk to. I havent done anything with him...OH and i forgot Joe. God im a bit of a slut. whatever..sherilyn,laura and i might go over his house(Kennys) tonight and get drunkkkkkkkkk. i like sleeping over peoples houses and gettting freee drunk. i like getting a LITTLE high because when i smoke to much i get WEIRDDDD. i liked smoking with danielle the other day...i like hanging out with her...even if she talks about herself constantly. Im guilty of it too...what am i doing right now? haha.
still miss monty. i dont know why. hes not great. hes not really attractive. so what he has a huge penis. it mostly hurts. he mostly hurts.
me.


SO FUCKING EMMOOOO hahahahaha

First of many, i hope

so ive been struggling for a while now, but hope to finally be "good"
im at 130 pds...5'8. wayyyy too fat. at my best i was at 115. i was happy then. i really want to get back there. i just started taking birthcontrol and i feel like its making me fat. and my prozac was working as a fine appetitie suppresant(im mia) but now its not working as well and im binging. ill have to get up the courage to tell my doctor and get some MORE meds. god i hate medication. i hate it. but if it makes me stop thinking about food all the fucking time and actually helps me get to my goal weight....why the fuck not? ahh i hope i actually write in here more often. i was searching for thinspo and Not_alone's profile popped up. she inspired me to start writing in an online journal again. and shes got GREAT thinspo. check her out. till next time...