spiriling out of control

so yeah. im crazy. im doing coke, a 28 year old, cigarretes, a 22 year old, having 3 somes with my best friend,alcohol,throwing up, alli, and fucking loving it.

sometimes i feel like im really crazy. like when i made my mom cry the other day. she knows im not doing well. im not even skinny though. i do feel fat next to renn and rich with their skinny perfect bodies.

it was sad leaving his place tonight. his gf was coming home from pennsylvania. he was like " i dont want to be a jerk but..."

i was hanging out with him and sherilyn the other night and got pulled over. i had been drinking. i didnt get a ticket for dui thank god but i did get three tickets for going 43 in a 30, having my registration out of date, and for having something in the wrong place.

we called lauras mom to come pick us up. i bought her flowers the other day and got lectured by karen and wayne. that was nice. not.

renn leaves tomorrow. that sucks. hes kinda boring though. but hes pretty.

i havent seen geoff in sooo long. soo long. monty texted me and wanted to know what i was up to tonight. i had to work. i was supposed to go to RPI tonight to visit renn but went to riches instead and we had sex, then went to go get coke. his friend was really funny and works at fridays. wish i remembered his name.

snow and gynos

so this morning it was my turn to drive to school because sherilyn and i switch driving everymorning....BUT it was snowing terribly and my locks on both front doors froze. as a consequence sherilyn says i have to drive the next THREE days...bitch. whatever. sometimes i cant stand her.
Today i ate oatmeal for breakfast, spilled my coffee because i left it on top of the car, a mexican wrap at greenfoods? with grilled chicken, corn,cranberries,avocados,mesculin lettuce and tomatoes and then had chocolate at sherilyns house. i then proceded to throw up because i was upset at sherilyn for being a bitch and because i felt fat. THen i went to the gym with my mom...tanned for 6 min ( 8 min yesterday) and ran for 20 min. I know thats not alot since i ate chocolate today but i did exercise for an hour yesterday and did weights.
On a happier note I finished my stained glass today!! yayyyy! its really pretty! I also started making my other final project for stained glass. Its my celtic tree that i got at a Scottish festival. Ill have to find my camera so i can put pictures up!
I want to have sexytime with matt. i dont know if i miss him or just the intimacy. he could be really sweet when he wasnt being a wannabe stoner-gankster-gay FAG. hahahhaha. i dont want to waste him...aslkdfjasfjd idk whats wrong with me.
Yesterday i forgot to mention Kenny yuck as one of the guys i talk to. I havent done anything with him...OH and i forgot Joe. God im a bit of a slut. whatever..sherilyn,laura and i might go over his house(Kennys) tonight and get drunkkkkkkkkk. i like sleeping over peoples houses and gettting freee drunk. i like getting a LITTLE high because when i smoke to much i get WEIRDDDD. i liked smoking with danielle the other day...i like hanging out with her...even if she talks about herself constantly. Im guilty of it too...what am i doing right now? haha.
still miss monty. i dont know why. hes not great. hes not really attractive. so what he has a huge penis. it mostly hurts. he mostly hurts.
me.


SO FUCKING EMMOOOO hahahahaha

monday shmunday

soooooo last night was fun. i hung out with danielle and ben ben tasties, who happens to be one of the many boys i have on a string. After reading "The Game" i totally appreciate all the guys i talk to even more. he talks about imagining your own reality, which is something i do regularily. In the book he informs his ten girls about the others....i dont. Lets see....right now theres Matt, Eric, Ben, Monty,Geoff,Biway,Noah and Scott. They all are hookups i could call and be like "HEY lets get together!" andd fuck. except for Scott,Noah,Biway Ben and Eric. see if you can figure that one out hahaa.
This morning i weighed myself and i was 128.8. not too terribly bad...pretty much my normal weight. i was expecting to be heavier because last night i smoked and went to dennys with danielle. i got a sampler and ATE THE WHOLE THING! it was crazy. I've just recently started eating meat( i was a vegetarian for 1 1/2 years) and now im expirimenting with chicken because it makes me full. what can you do right? but this shit last night was FRIED. fried onion rings....chicken and mozzerella sticks. soo bad. ohh well i had the munchies. and danielle is fun. sherilyn is so incredibly negative that she really gets on my nerves sometimes. this morning she had me write out her cheat sheet for psych because she was too lazy to do it herself. i swear she acts like a queen and expects everyone to be her servents. im going to hang with danielle more and shona. seriously ive had enough of being abused and controlled. at least im skinnier than her.

that was mean. shes my best friend. and i do love her. but seriously darling....its kindof gross.
anyway till next time :)

First of many, i hope

so ive been struggling for a while now, but hope to finally be "good"
im at 130 pds...5'8. wayyyy too fat. at my best i was at 115. i was happy then. i really want to get back there. i just started taking birthcontrol and i feel like its making me fat. and my prozac was working as a fine appetitie suppresant(im mia) but now its not working as well and im binging. ill have to get up the courage to tell my doctor and get some MORE meds. god i hate medication. i hate it. but if it makes me stop thinking about food all the fucking time and actually helps me get to my goal weight....why the fuck not? ahh i hope i actually write in here more often. i was searching for thinspo and Not_alone's profile popped up. she inspired me to start writing in an online journal again. and shes got GREAT thinspo. check her out. till next time...