I need a fix in those heroine eyes.

so much has happened last night.

i was supposed to go out with sherilyn and laura.....then they basically both ditched me.

danielle called and i went over her place and to a party down the hall.

SOO MUCH FUN! basically we were really lame, i took 4 shots of vodka and smoked the gange ALOT and it produced really weird feelings. i always feel so fucked up when im drunk and high. buttt it turned out well. i slept on the couch in dannys apartment and this mornign i ended up going on an EPIC BREAKFAST SEARCH to try and get breakfast

1st we convinced everyone to go get crepes(this was a feat)-it was closed on sundays
2nd we decided we would go to blue ribbon-it was PACKED
3rd IHOP. -also packed
4th-we finally settled on the colonie diner which we passed on our way to IHOP

i saw my grandparents there. it was a little odd. but pleasent. my grandpa asked where i went to church that mornigng and i said "the church of my bed". it was a little ridic.

i smoked early this mornign and again when we got back from eating. only 1 hit each time...but it was nice. i was all giggly and i wasnt worried about anything.

then danny and i went to the mall, which was a FIASCO!

i spent sooo much time pulling the stupid clearance stickers off purses and finding two that were super expensive(big mistake) and meticulously avoiding cameras..(i thought, im not so sure now) i stuck them on again...they were really good. one was 130.00 the other was 279.00 really nice bags from italian designers.

i was soo excited..the lady at the check out was RETARDED and i was completely rung out when this guy noticed the tag and started peeling the stickers off. he says to me with a huge attitude"these dont belong on here" and told me the actual prices...i was all red and sweating and SOOO mad that he was so rude. i thought it was law that you had to give me the price on the tag...but i guess not. i was like "WHAT?! thats ridiculous...i dont want those." it was soo fake and terrible..i was very unimpressed with my performance. and they were SOOO NICe. one was a white slouchy bag in leather the other was tan with gold accents...it was structured but big...perfect for 5 finger discounts. not to mention they were EXPENSIVE. ajsjlaff sooo mad. i was furious when i left.


im sure if i had made a fuss i could have gotten them,,,but since i had actually done something wrong and was possibly on camera doing it i stuck my tail between my legs and slunk out of there with as much dignity as i could muster.

then i went to journeys and bought yellow ridiculous jellies because i was wearing my steve madden shiny black stilettos from the night before that are a size too small. then we went to AE and i got 3 shirts....3 neckaces(2 i gave to danny) and a pair of flops. it was so sketch though and im not doing it for a while. i almost got caught twice and i really dont want to take that risk. i need to slow it down and wait for new spring shit! hahahahahaasflhkjaskh i think im a klepto.
or something like that.


till next time...

PS i had a ridiculous conversation with monty while i was piss drunk....im glad i dont remember it because im sure i would be embarrased.

cut myself? i think not. pick would be more like it.

so its a friday night.
since no one reads this i guess my pride isnt wounded when i write twice in one day. i have a lot to get out. i have been doing sooo badly lately.

i have this strange feeling susan was right when she said that my mom uses me as her therapist. she was telling me today about how she told dad she wanted a divorce and he transferred 3500 of the 10 grand barb gave them to his personal account "for security". he also was going to try to take my 1500 but only got 1000 of it. it didnt go to pay my tuition on moms credit card bill. she says he "doesnt know what he did with it." i have a sneaking suspicion its in his account. he wants to buy a house around the corner. instead of rent again.

no big surprise here but things do get more difficult as you get older. i was always on my moms side but now with my addiction problem i can see where hes coming from. after all his blood runs through my veins. it doesnt excuse him for what he did to me but seriously, what was his choice and what was because of his upbringing? what is nature and what is nurture? i want to study science.
i want to voraciously lose myself in books, in other worlds. anything to escape this one. and be skinny. i need to stop eating so much. i want to learn how to hypnotise myself into eating less. i read about it and it sounds plausible.

i wonder if i was raped when i was younger. maybe i blocked it out and refuse to remember it. my dad did video-tape erica next door. whats to stop him from harming me? maybe i dont even remember it! i know i was molested by justin next door when i was in 6th grade......eleven. but that doesnt explain why i get off to older guys raping younger girls. i like it for the guy to be in control...which i dont think is that weird but in my fantasies the guy is always WAY older and a father or authority figure taking advantage of a much much younger girl. or lesbians. idk maybe -im a lezzie-bulimic-raped-as-a-child-former-christian HYPOCHONDRIAC but whatever.

the reason i wrote this post is because i picked my long cut on my ankle and thought about how similer it is to cutting myself. i tried once, but never drew blood. i never liked pain...but i do like plucking my eyebrows immensly and picking the scabs in my nose till i bleed. weird weird shit.
maybe i should be in an institution. nahhh that would suck. ireally dont think i need that.

i really feel like everyone has their "thing" their form of release and their way to get through this long lonly life, whether its drugs, alcohol, god, men, food, exercise, cutting, restricting, relationships, books or 10,000 other things you are addicted to. i dont think a life lived belonging to any one "thing" is a healthy one...who wants to live as a slave to something else? but then again...dont we have to go through shit to really appreciate the good?

it has been said that those born rich often get into more trouble with substance abuse and i do find that to be true...look at all the female stars today. we idolize their fame, beauty, money and lifestyle and in the same sentence defile them for searching for meaning in a world where they seemingly "have it all". everyone has a search for meaning, everyone searches for truth.


i know my search for truth is shallow and i shoudl be thinking of the starving africans in darfur but i cant help it. im a selfish 18 year old teenager.


that was pretty deep if i do say so myself.....and im not even high. till next time...