so much

so much has happened since i wrote last. Rich and I were together untill November 13th 2008. I found out he slept with Illsa, my roomate and close friend and lost it. that was a bad bad situation. Im still left missing him however, and I still have messages saved. Im seeing someone else now, Alex Palkovic. Sherilyn AND tressa have been with him, sherilyn has just made out with him, tressa slept with him for a while. I talked to tressa about it and she says shes okay with it because she didnt like him that much anyway. Whatever, its still awkward.

Im just about done with finals and should be sleeping right now. Ive been doing okay with the bulimia lately, today was bad though. I pretty much spent the entire day alone. I have issues with being alone. Im losing weight a little, but not too much. Im not on birth control anymore b/c I dont have health insurance and stil haveing sex. Hes not coming in me, but still, its risky and dumb. I jsut dont want to get fat again. Its crazy that i would rather take the risk of getting pregnant but i jsut dont like how i reacted to the BC.

I hooked up with this isaraeli kid Tamir the other day. it was bad. we didnt sleep together but just fooled around.

Ive been smoking alot of weed lately. Its been nice to get out of my head. i really want to do coke. i miss rich and i dont. what he did was unforgiveable...but hes changed my life so dramatic

pissed

im so fucking pissed right now.


not only am i sick and spent the day sleeping and peeing razor blades, but tongiht i played babysitter.
sherilyn got drunk today at her familys party came over my house and then continued drinking at her house. she bashed me the other day for being with rich but then flirted NON FUCKING STOP when we were with him.

we went to humpys to supposedly sing karyoke but that wasnt hooked up. so then sherilyn and rich played pool and sherilyns tits were everywhere.

she was soo sloopy drunk and after i told her to stop drinking she continued to do it. my favorite was when i went to the bathroom and left sher and rich outside and came back to them making out. soo fucked up.

sherilyn congratulated a meth addict for climbing three stairs. she walked with a cane and sher kept on calling her a "bad ass" and saying how awesome she was. i hate her sometimes.

then on the way home she wanted me to talk to guere and tell him we were having a threesome. i was like FUCK THAT.

rich wanted to go to albs and have me shmooose jay for some yay. i felt so bad the other night because i legitimately think hes a good guy. apart from the drug dealing and all.

fucked up shit.

harrasment

sooo i get to sherilyns and i smelll like smoke because i had just smoked and i get the third degree from not only sherilyn but colette AND chris. its bull shit and i dont want to come here anymore. then i get a talking to about rich from sherilyn, how hes so gross and not going anywhere and how the thought of us having sex makes her stomach turn. 

well fuck you. when i was like "okay, whatever." shes like "YOURE NOT LISTENING!" and i was like yesssss i am bitch i was listening to you talk about the guy that i am starting to like and completely bashing him. not to mention the fact that she had sex with him as well. 

im beginning to not like her more and more. especially colette and chris. fuck them. theyve done all sorts of shit and i know that i know that smoking is bad but whatever. im going to die when im going to die and they should just leave me to do it.

ill start hanging out with laura and danielle more often. even though danielle will chastise me even more.  whatever anything is better than her.

spiriling out of control

so yeah. im crazy. im doing coke, a 28 year old, cigarretes, a 22 year old, having 3 somes with my best friend,alcohol,throwing up, alli, and fucking loving it.

sometimes i feel like im really crazy. like when i made my mom cry the other day. she knows im not doing well. im not even skinny though. i do feel fat next to renn and rich with their skinny perfect bodies.

it was sad leaving his place tonight. his gf was coming home from pennsylvania. he was like " i dont want to be a jerk but..."

i was hanging out with him and sherilyn the other night and got pulled over. i had been drinking. i didnt get a ticket for dui thank god but i did get three tickets for going 43 in a 30, having my registration out of date, and for having something in the wrong place.

we called lauras mom to come pick us up. i bought her flowers the other day and got lectured by karen and wayne. that was nice. not.

renn leaves tomorrow. that sucks. hes kinda boring though. but hes pretty.

i havent seen geoff in sooo long. soo long. monty texted me and wanted to know what i was up to tonight. i had to work. i was supposed to go to RPI tonight to visit renn but went to riches instead and we had sex, then went to go get coke. his friend was really funny and works at fridays. wish i remembered his name.

crazy night, im out of control

so i work with this guy rich. hes 29 years old, and hot. and great great great at sex.

ive officially become a slut. or liberated from my morals. whatever you want to call it.

we met a little more than a week ago at work and have worked every day together flirting and touching nonstop.

we hung out on friday at his "dance party" which was with some of his old college roommates who are DJs and play crazy techno.

i had already drank with espo earlier that night and then started drinking beer at richs. then we did some coke. then we smoked weed. all througout the night, not in one linear time period. we danced. then we made out on the porch. we sortof tore each other apart.

then idk whyy but i drove to his place, completely intoxicated. we talked about our lives and how fucked up they are.

we got to his place and i dont even remember really what happened first or last but there was some kinky shit going on. like finger in my ass? it felt really good actually. ohh and more coke. and eating out. and lots of head. he doesnt stay hard really long, maybe it was the booze, or coke, or weed or a combination of all of them. and we smoked cigarrettes like they were water.

he was so good at eating me out though. my favorite favorite part was when he ate me out with coke on his tongue. it was out of this fucking world. and i actually orgasmed.
he came all over. in me, on my stomach, on my boobs.

and i had to work that morning at 8. we didnt even GET to his house untill 4 ish. we had sex for a LONG time. it was terrible crashing at work. TERRIBLE.

rich called tongiht and he was drunk. he didnt know he had to work at 9. hes a scumbag and if the sex wasnt SO FUCKING AWESOME i dont think i would talk to him anymore. and he has a gf. but i have like 15 boyfriends. so w/e.

geoff told me tongiht that he took vicodin and thats why he lasted so long. that makes sense because when we had the 3some he lasted 2 seconds. i told him he should start eating me out. that should be mandatory and i need to start demanding it more often.

im eating less, not even by choice. i cant eat at work. im smoking more too, and drinking more. im a mess, really. but im making money and going to school and juggling 5 boys who are unaware of one another. so thats a plus.

tierd

im so tired and i feel weak right now

idk whats going on wtih geoff.eric wantst o date me. im also sortof seeing kennty and talking to espo.

im smoking alot. i just smoked a pall mall and they dont have filters and it made me light headed.

its joshs bday today. tehy went to ihop. i wanted to see rich but all i got was a glance. hes alot older than me but he invited me to a party on friday. im excited. i want to be skinny so badly.

sherilyn yellyed at me for a long time today about smoking. it was annoying. i want to stop throwing up and eating. i can do pretty well when i work and dont have to be home. home is a trigger. my house is a trigger. i ate a lot of joshs birthday cheese cake this morning before i left for sherilyns to study.

i think i also bombed my test in nutrition because we didnt look at chapter 16. i knew there couldnt be only 2 chapters to study. blargg

i need to sleep.

im uncovered

they both found out. about the trip to plattsburg. i dont even want to say what went on there but the image of them together will always be on my mind. not to mention that i just went up there to make geoff jealous but i didnt want him to find out. monty told one of his friends what happened and that friend told geoff. when i told monty that i had a relationship with geoff for a while now he seemed very unfazed. which i actually felt really good about. he seemed to genuinly care about me and what happened...even though he came right out and said "i think you know by now that i only want to hook up wiht you." which i had known for a while but didnt want to admit to myself. i feel really good that its out in the open now. geoff sent me all these terrible text messages like "you make me want to vomit since you blah blah blah with monty last night"
And "lose my number K thanx." butt he decided to "forgive me" im sure hes hooked up with other girls ESPECIALLY since he found out. i went over wednesday night after work and we just talked and went and got pizza. then i went home. i really contemplated going to st rose to hang with kenny but i restrained my "red bottomosity" as georgia would say and went home.

eric has been especially up my asss lately and its really irratating. he wants to talk every day and blarggg i dont want to date him but i know that i know he wants to date me. i dont know how to get out of this one because i really just want to see geoff.

now thers no way i can double team them..monty and geoff that is. that was fun. but w/e theres always eric, kenny...espo. and rich from work. hes fun to play with and im sure hell be good at fucking. thats if he doesnt have an extremly small dick which its very possible he does. or hes married. because hes old. at LEAST 25-26. blarrrghgg. oh well hes fun to flirt with and im sure ill be in his pants by next week. wowww im a slut. hehehe whatever a guy would do the exact same thing. and im young and this is the hottest im ever going to be. im going to enjoy myself